


Shape of Love

by fujoshiandproud



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Don't leave me, I HATE YOU, M/M, dub con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-05-14 00:47:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 26,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14759420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fujoshiandproud/pseuds/fujoshiandproud
Summary: James Kirk has always been alone and he is used with it. Nobody pities him, even though he's always been alone and Kirk doesn't want people to pity him. Life is boring because it is too easy for him, but the new doctor is not so easy. The doctor is so weird and alien to Kirk and Kirk doesn't like him.





	1. I want love

 

#1 I want love

 

 

It takes a lot of effort and time to attain and maintain the position as the youngest Starfleet captain.

Most people could have just quit it, breaking down due to physical and mental stresses. Treating everyone with smile, never open to them, analyze the hostility behind people's smiles and most of all, you have to act accordingly to all that. It is nothing but a series of stress. Just a bit of crack, then everything falls. A captain should never relax. Else, everything is lost.

Kirk wanted to have it all. He desired to have everything. Maybe, that is why he could survive in this place which is full of hostility and murderous intent but still successfully reacts to those with a fake smile and fake friendliness. Or, he's used with it since the Academy. People pretend to be friends and wrap their arms around Kirk's shoulder just to inject some poison or sometimes they offer a drink which is secretly mixed with some funky drug. Sometimes, people approach him, saying that they could fix Kirk's wound and what they do instead is to provoke the inflammation. And, Kirk is all familiar with these. Kirk believes that he was born to be a captain. Kirk has been alone since born and still is. That's why he is used to this kind of situation.

Actually, Kirk was a child his dad made outside. Meaning, his mom didn't give birth to him. Some other person did. Kirk's dad was also a Starfleet captain and thanks to that, his story was spread quickly. Kirk was a symbol of disgrace. Furthermore, his dad was killed during a mission a few days after Kirk was born. Unexpected wormhole's explosion got him. Kirk's mom, the wife of his dad, raised him with love, though she was also killed in a mission also, not able to see Kirk's admission to the elementary school. Kirk never knew who really gave birth to him and he was not even interested. Maybe his birth mother wasn't interested either. Because she never appeared in front of Kirk.

Kirk has been alone all the time and no one has been there to protect him, so he always has to take care of himself. People around him pitied him but at the same time, they found Kirk repulsive. Kirk has reached a level where he could convert all the animosity into jealousy towards something they can never have. He even enjoys it. Whatever murderous intent they hide behind their fake smiles, they can never reach Kirk because he is in the highest spot. People started to stop pitying him. Kirk also believed that there is no reason for people to pity him and he hated pity. How dare they pity him? He is the captain of USS enterprise and he can do whatever he wants inside here. Problem is, there is nothing that interesting. The interesting stuff was hidden in that dark space and to discover it is Kirk and the people's superficial goal.

However, even in this boring place, nurse Chapel's beauty interested him somehow. There are some people who interest Kirk and it was one of a few habits Kirk enjoy. Bringing them to his quarters. Nurse Chapel seemed a bit older than Kirk and she looked very elegant and graceful. Destroying that grace could be even more interesting. Kirk planned to bring her to his quarters, if possible, tonight. Or, he could just do it in the sick bay. He ordered Spock to take command and headed to sickbay. He saw nurse Chapel from last mission and he was quite surprised as to why he has never seen such beauty. He groped Chapel's thigh and showed interest and Chapel dared to show resistance. Well, it doesn't matter if she resists. Kirk will take what he wants in the end and she will give in. So, no worries. Anyone in the ship resists at first but in the end, they all give in. Kirk's steps to the sick bay were light as he imagined what to do with nurse Chapel. He could sing out of joy.

When he entered the sickbay, there was no one other than two to three patients.

He couldn't find the nurse and he walked inside as he looked around to find her. He sat on the nearest biobed and waited for somebody to come. Sickbay was the most interesting and at the same time, annoying place for Kirk. After Doctor Puri's death, the new head of sickbay has changed the atmosphere drastically. The atmosphere which Kirk is not really fond of. Although Doctor Puri was killed during the mission, because of Kirk, he knew how to treat the captain of the ship. However, after Puri's death, this sickbay has turned into something like a city hospital where they treat everyone equally. Kirk was the captain of the ship. He is not everyone. He should be treated specially. He knew that the new CMO is highly incompetent in terms of strategy, tactics or politics but he didn't know if the CMO is this bad. The worst, in fact. 3 minutes have passed since Kirk entered. Kirk was furious at first but now, he just chuckles at the unbelievable insolence of the CMO. When he was thinking how he could educate the new CMO, somebody approaches him finally.

"How may I help you?" A professional and expressionless voice says.

Kirk was crossing his arms with his head down. He just raises his eyes to see the front. A new head of sickbay in blue Starfleet uniform was standing in front of Kirk, holding PADD. He must be a crazy man. Kirk merely stares at him, starting to be genuinely curious. The man also merely stared back at Kirk without any word.

"Who were you?" Kirk's first question.

"McCoy. I am Leonard McCoy, Captain Kirk." The man answers as if he's the one who is annoyed. "I'm the new CMO after Doctor Puri. Apparently, I haven't made proper greetings." McCoy answers, raising his eyebrows.

Kirk chuckled quite loudly at the rudeness. The doctor must be either crazy or extremely stupid. Else, he cannot behave like that to Kirk. It is widely known how the captain treats the people with rudeness. Kirk will cast nightmarish punishment upon anyone with the slightest of rudeness.

"Is nurse Chapel on break?" Kirk was annoyed to talk to the doctor.

"Yes, she is on break. Is there anything I could help...?" McCoy asks persistently.

"Call nurse Chapel." Kirk orders as he hops deeper on the biobed.

McCoy stares at him, eyes round and waited. He, then, nodded once and turned around to go somewhere. After a couple of minutes, he came back without Chapel. Kirk observes McCoy while comfortably lying on the biobed. McCoy had quite a physique for a doctor. Broad shoulder and tight tights that can't be hidden under the pants. The long and lean fingers would look better with a dagger instead of hypospray. Deep eyes, pointy nose, and the lips. Lips. His lips looked strange. It didn't match the doctor's manly face. The small but plump lips with grace curves at each side of the lips. Although the doctor frowns and he looks strong with that look, there was no murderous intent on his face in the slightest. How can he hide it so perfectly? When Kirk was busy observing the doctor, McCoy was in front of him.

"Captain, nurse Chapel is, uh..." McCoy quickly looks at the door he exited. "She is resting. She doesn't feel well. If there is anything, I believe I could help." McCoy speaks as he doesn't lose contact with the captain.

Kirk never met a person who is this bad in lying. Kirk tried his best to refrain laughing as he stared at the doctor. What the hell is this type of person? The doctor is confusingly honest. It seems that he is trying to take care of the safety and wellbeing of his subordinates. Nurse Chapel may have told the doctor about what happened in the last mission. Kirk never saw a leader like McCoy after he joined the Starfleet. Well, Kirk also takes care of the crews' safety and well being but it's only because taking care of them well is also one of the evaluation criteria for a captain. If it could save Kirk, he can definitely have his officers sacrifice for him.

"Then..." McCoy must have understood Kirk's silence as yes, as he brings out the tricorder to check him.

McCoy started to analyze Kirk with the tricorder. After so many experiences, Kirk started to avoid any physical contact or anyone analyzing him. He extremely hates it and now he feels the impulse to murder McCoy. Before Kirk could realize, he tried to push the doctor away but then the doctor suddenly turned around.

"Captain, I think there is a problem." McCoy sounded concerned and serious as he looked into his PADD.

Kirk was already annoyed more than enough as he frowned at what McCoy just said. He never wanted anyone to know about his condition. This clueless doctor started to mumble alone.

"Your heartbeat... It is strangely too fast. You even have a slight fever. Did you just come from strenuous exercise?" McCoy turned around again to ask the captain.

Kirk couldn't stand anymore. He shot up from the biobed and strangled McCoy. McCoy's eyes got wider at the unexpected reaction. Everyone in the sick bay was suddenly silent. They acted like nothing happened but Kirk could tell that they have been watching the captain. Kirk tightened his grip around the doctor's neck. He could murder the doctor right now. McCoy has annoyed him more than enough. McCoy dropped the PADD and he tried to grab it pathetically. He used his freed arm to grab Kirk's wrist. Kirk could feel his eyes expressing the strong force of murder. McCoy struggled to breathe as he grabbed Kirk's arm. Kirk couldn't find any hatred or anger from the doctor's eyes. Kirk can only read 'surprise' from the eyes. It was not even a plea. Kirk met thousands of people and successfully read the desires and feelings from the thousands of eyes. Kirk's ability to read people was unmatched to anyone that it made Kirk the youngest captain. However, that ability seemed useless in front of this man. Kirk frowned as he observed the man. What if he strangles harder? Would he express, then? Kirk tightened his grip once more but McCoy just blinked hard at the impact and swayed. That was it. Kirk observed a few seconds more and then pushed him further as he let him go. McCoy recoiled as he started to cough. His windpipe was finally free as he sucked in full amount of air. Kirk was watching a doctor who was coughing while bent. He, then, approached closer to the doctor to whisper something only he can hear.

"I hope you learned your lesson, doctor." Kirk grinned a bit and pat on the doctor's shoulder amiably.

Kirk left McCoy who is busy coughing and exited the sick bay.

Kirk can feel the symptoms McCoy stated earlier. His heartbeat rate was unusually fast and he was feeling hotter. His heart doesn't beat this fast, usually. Even when he buried his dagger into his enemy's eye or when he shot a phaser to ex-captain Pike, his heart didn't really flinch. If his heart beats fast, then it's mostly out of pleasant adrenaline. The current heartbeat is quite strange. He doesn't even know why. Maybe, it's because McCoy infuriated him. He's, after all, a weird type of man. Kirk enters the turbo lift as he plans to change his CMO when he returns to Starfleet.

 

* * *

 

Romulan ships came across the neutral zone to destroy two Starfleet ships.

Enemies ran away beyond the neutral zone after a long confrontation. The ship was damaged and there were many injured crews, so Kirk was currently resting as a captain while other divisions were busy fixing the situation under captain's order. They had to arrive at the nearest allied planet to fix the ship. Kirk had a minor injury on his hand and most of the people in main bridge had minor injuries or none at all. He disinfected his injury but the bleeding was pretty annoying. He needed some bandage, so he reluctantly headed to the sick bay. This is his first visit since the last time. His steps were getting slower. Many injured people were running to the sick bay. Kirk noticed his hands were shaking slightly, presumably because of the injured people. Kirk doesn't really shake. Last time he shook his hands was when he penetrated the hand of his classmate with a ball pen. He was 12 years old, then. In order to reduce this unpleasantness, he squeezed his fist tight. He must be acting strangely because the CMO is a way too weird. Or crazy. He swore to himself as he entered the sickbay, that he'd simply ignore the CMO whatever he does.

Fortunately, maybe, the sick bay was busy like a Sunday market. It was crowded and hectic. Every medical staff was busy attending to the patients and they were obviously outnumbered. Some patients were just sitting on the floor or lying against the wall because there wasn't enough biobed for them.

"Goddamn it, we are letting the patients sitting on the floor?" McCoy yelled across the room.

"We are outnumbered. Patients are coming in continuously." Chapel replied quickly.

"My office is empty, isn't it? Send them there." McCoy nagged as he pointed his office.

Chapel hesitated for the moment and then nodded as she led the patients to CMO's personal office. McCoy, as well, helped the patients to get up as he guided them to his office. The existence of captain seemed like nothing in this place. McCoy didn't seem to even care captain's existence as he passed by Kirk, to assist the patients. Kirk never lets anyone inside his quarters. He hates any of his properties to be seen by anyone neither does he want anyone to see the other side of him. Having somebody inside his personal zone is such a pain in the ass. However, Kirk can see that McCoy is allowing strangers to his personal office like it's not a big deal. It must be true that McCoy is a man of weird type. He must be either mad or stupid...

Kirk was silently observing McCoy in the corner and somehow it was his turn to be treated as he was sitting on one of the biobeds. McCoy was still busy and he approached Kirk after he just finished checking the patient beside him. He, then, quickly grabbed his PADD in front of Kirk.

"You need some help with the wound on your hand, don't you?," McCoy asks as he catches his breath. "Tell me if I'm wrong."

Then, without further inquisition, McCoy grabbed Kirk's wrist and placed regenerator on Kirk's hand. Kirk showed reflex right away as he pulled his arm away from the doctor which made doctor snapped back to the reality he's facing. He lifted his head to check his captain's face.

"Captain?" McCoy asks, raising eyebrows.

So, he knows I'm the captain, Kirk thought. Kirk's frontal lobe worked busily in order to account for all kind of probable theory as to how a person could treat his captain like McCoy does now but then he gave up. Kirk had snorted briefly and then extended his arm. McCoy waited for a couple of seconds to realize before he started treating Kirk's hand. McCoy's grab was sufficiently tight and warm.

"Tell me if you need other medical assistance." McCoy asks again.

Kirk can feel the warmth through McCoy's skin. He seemed to have a higher body temperature than Kirk has. The doctor must be pretty tired due to too many patients, but he didn't shake at all when he was covering Kirk's wound with a bandage.

"Isn't this what nurses are supposed to do for doctors?" Kirk asks silently.

"In a situation like this, there is no boundary between the doctors and the nurses. Treating patient is always the first priority here. It's done" McCoy speaks like a recorded voice.

Kirk stares at McCoy who is solely focusing on Kirk's wound. He didn't see McCoy becoming this serious last time. He can see McCoy's tightly sealed lips, too. Lips that keep drawing captain's attention. Small mouth but plump lips. Lips that could provide perfect cushion for dicks during blow jobs. Kirk tilts his head to the side as he stares more intensely.

"It's done, captain." McCoy looks at Kirk for an answer.

Kirk didn't answer. His concentration was riveted on the doctor's lips.

"Captain?" As McCoy speaks, his lips moved in slow motion to Kirk.

Kirk can feel his pants restraining. He can always draw the curtains around his biobed and have McCoy kneel for him. He can do that enough. Kirk is the captain and McCoy is one of the people who report to him.

"Doctor! Doctor McCoy! Emergency patient!" A nurse across the room yelled.

McCoy turned around quickly to check the nurse and then the patient. He, then, turned his head to see Kirk with an apologetic expression.

"Captain, I apologize, I should attend to the emergency patient, first." McCoy apologizes with his both hands in the air in order to express remorse, before running to the patient.

When McCoy finished checking with the patent and came back, the captain was not there.

 

USS Enterprise had to anchor for a thorough overhaul and everyone had the chance to have unexpected shore leave.

Of course, resources in the Engineer Division, including Scotty, had to stay and work overnight, though. Scotty was in charge since Kirk's father was the captain. Scotty is one of the few people, including Spock, whom Kirk trusts. Thus, he could leave everything under Scotty's administration in order for him to go out and look for some pleasure. He entered some random bar in the vicinity, grabbed a couple of strong liquors, and asked the name of a girl who was constantly smiling at him before going to the girl's house. They started kissing since the entrance until they reached the bedroom. Inside the bedroom, Kirk let the girl suck his cock before bringing her to the bed to fuck her, without really checking her face or listening to what she said. He came quickly. When the orgasm soaked his mind, he got more relaxed. He was buried inside a stranger's body, but somehow he was thinking of doctor McCoy and he doesn't understand why.

 

* * *

 

It has been a month since he roamed through space.

The crews were nervous and busy in the first week, but as time goes by, everything fell in its original place. Except for Kirk. His neurotic has got worse recently. He doesn't show it, of course, but Spock somehow noticed it as he approached and asked Kirk's condition. This is so not like Kirk. He doesn't really get uneasy. The last time he got uneasy was long, long time ago that he can't even remember clearly. Most probably, the last time he got uneasy was when he was in grade school. He had a secret crush on his classmate. If she was not in sight, he got uneasy. If she was in sight, he still got uneasy, desiring to get her attention. But, right now, he can't find any rational reason to his uneasiness. Ultimately, he had asked Spock to take command and headed to his quarters. He considered bringing anyone to his quarters for sex, but he gave up. It was not what he wanted. Kirk usually understands his feelings and knows how to handle it. But, right now, he is confused as to why he's feeling such, let alone how to handle it. He felt like he's back to grade school. The helpless boy. It was a strange feeling. Very alien. However, he knows one thing for sure.

This strange serious of feeling started after he had met the doctor.

The doctor triggered something Kirk didn't want. Maybe, he has the answer. The doctor may have the answer. Or worse yet, he might have triggered it deliberately. Thus, to understand the root cause of his feeling and to find the resolution, the most logical choice would be to pay a visit to the doctor. Of course, to educate him and to vent his anger out, as well. He can take his anger out on anyone he wants.

Once decided, Kirk changed his direction to the sickbay, confidently. Or more like pretending to be confident. His walking was more confident and swift compared to the last time. He even arrived much faster than the last time. The sickbay, as usual, was wide open. When he entered the sickbay, he bumped into the nurse Chapel. Chapel swayed at the impact and apologized quickly as she looked up.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Chapel smiled apologetically and when she found out it was Kirk, her expression changed right away.

She slowly recoiled, clearly looking nervous.

"Where is Doctor McCoy?" Kirk asked, impatiently.

Chapel pointed where McCoy is, with her shaking hand. Kirk followed the nurse's finger and found McCoy checking PADD, beside one of the biobeds. Kirk could feel his heartbeat quickening. He hated this feeling. He hated it so much. Why does he have to feel this way? He took several big strides toward McCoy. McCoy was glued on his PADD. He, then, found Kirk after a couple of seconds.

"Captain, I didn't know you were there." McCoy greeted his captain, looking surprised.

Kirk was breathing hard as he fiercely stared at McCoy.

"Uh... How may I help," Before McCoy spoke anything, his word was cut off.

Kirk tugged McCoy's arm and dragged him to his CMO's personal office. Everyone in the sick bay was not obviously looking at Kirk, but they were checking every move of the captain, cautiously. Kirk threw McCoy inside the room and locked the door behind him. McCoy was slightly shocked with Kirk, but he didn't show any sign to resist or to stop Kirk. His mouth just gaped open, probably at loss of speech. Kirk was fighting his own problem at the moment. His heart was going crazy as it started to beat frantically. It was not his first attempt to do what he's going to do. He was shaking like a criminal who is about to commit a first offense. He was intensely staring at McCoy who is looking back at him without any malice. He, then, jumped to McCoy and made him bend over the nearest desk.

"Captain, wait," McCoy, flurried by finally realizing what is happening, tried to stop Kirk but was forestalled when Kirk yanked his hair and shoved it on the desk.

Kirk fixed doctor's wrist on his back and pulled the pants down with a trembling hand. Kirk expected McCoy to either stop or fight him but he did neither. Kirk oppressed the doctor even stronger in order to prevent any potential of resistance, but McCoy didn't do anything other than trying to look at captain to say something. Kirk's aggressiveness interrupted McCoy from finishing his sentences. When Kirk couldn't pull the doctor's pants down further, he stepped on the pants to push it down by force so it could stay around McCoy's ankles. After the pants were pulled down, Kirk could finally free his cock that was restrained inside the tight pants. He spread McCoy's cheek apart and slathered his precum on the muscular hole before assaulting.

McCoy, then, groaned like a sick man. The passage was not wet enough for Kirk to enter the body easily and he didn't have the luxury to afford a lubricant at the moment, so he spat on his hand to wet the tip of his enlarging cock before lining his cock to McCoy's hole and exerted extra effort to insert. With extra effort, his cock made its way through the tight muscular passage, finally. Kirk sighed out of the intense pleasure, while McCoy screamed briefly.

Kirk felt as if his brain cells are electrocuted. Despite the internal passage's resistance, he pushed in deeper with force and he started to see stars. The avalanche of pleasure swooped his body that it made his fingertips numb. McCoy, seemingly giving in, placed his forehead on the desk, biting his lower lip to refrain himself from screaming further. His entire body was trembling. Once Kirk was fully sheathed, he started to move. However, inside of McCoy was not like woman's. It didn't get wet and the contraction was too tight that Kirk had a hard time withdrawing as well as inserting. He felt like he was locked inside the doctor's body. Kirk withdrew forcibly and then thrust in again with violence which made McCoy scream again before turning his head to the side. Kirk saw McCoy's chin clenching with nerve. When Kirk repeated his movement several times, he could finally fuck McCoy easier. McCoy finally got wet enough to take the captain's cock with less friction. Wet may not be the correct word. It got stickier, is a more accurate word. The stickiness was something Kirk was familiar with and when he checked McCoy's ass, the blood was all over the doctor's inner thighs which was spattered on Kirk's shirt, too. McCoy's thigh muscles were convulsing continuously and legs trembling pathetically. The blood streamed along the doctor's thighs and soaked his pants.

Nevertheless, Kirk was suffering from vertigo out of the intolerable amount of pleasure and his heart was beating like crazy to care about McCoy's condition. He lowered his body above McCoy's back and accelerated his speed. His one hand was fixating McCoy's arm behind while another hand was yanking the doctor's hair to stick his body closer to doctor's powerless body. Kirk's brain never stopped calculating all probability under any circumstances and it worked like a super computer but apparently, his brain has stopped functioning entirely at the moment. The torrent of unknown sentiments was entangled with chaotic pleasure that he had no other purpose or instinct but to just fuck McCoy and reach orgasm. He was desperate like a man drowning in the deep sea. He moved desperately to come. Then, he saw McCoy's free hand in a tight fist, shaking weakly.

The lean and long fingers are now spread over the surface of the cold desk, clawing on it uselessly. Kirk, blankly observed it, feeling he is soon out of breath. He gritted his teeth and came hard inside McCoy. He bucked his hips hard and spilled everything, trying squeeze out more than what there was. His body convulsed briefly as he screwed shut his body. The intolerable orgasm paralyzed his body, following vertigo. He couldn't stand on his own, so he fell on doctor's back. Kirk tried to even his breath slowly and he slowly felt his mind coming back to reality. The heart rate was slower than just a few minutes ago and the vertigo was gone. He slowly opened his eyes. He saw McCoy's fist again. When Kirk's breath was back to normal, he realized that he was still on duty.

He had to get a grip again before resuming to duty. He slowly withdrew and the bloody, torn hole was slowly coming back to its original shape before dripping some more blood mixed with semen. Kirk let McCoy go and the doctor swayed as he dropped to the floor with one knee bent. The look was pretty arousing as Kirk observed him while he pulled his pants up. There were several spots of blood on his clothes, so he decided to drop by his quarters to change his clothes. Of course, McCoy had more needs to change his clothes, apparently. Unlike Kirk, who spruced up quickly, McCoy didn't move at all but to tremble pathetically on the floor. Kirk finished sprucing up already and he even checked his face reflecting on the nearest cabinet's glass. When Kirk was ready to go out, McCoy was still there. Kirk coughed mildly, standing beside McCoy.

Kirk couldn't see his face as the doctor was burying his face in his arms. Kirk wanted to see what expression was etched on the doctor's face by grabbing his chin to turn it around but what he did seem enough for the day. Kirk felt that he had to say anything.

"You are better than nurse Chapel could have done." Kirk spoke some useless words and patted on the doctor's shoulder.

Kirk walked slowly to the door and opened it. Everyone in the sick bay was suddenly startled as the captain came out of the room and quickly pretended that they were minding their own business. Kirk closed the door behind him and scanned the room. He, then, decided to exit and he heard some sound like a heavy stuff was thumped on the floor. It must be McCoy. He wanted to go back inside the room to check him, but something stopped him. There was a voice inside him, telling him to just leave the place and Kirk usually followed what the voice told him to, so he exited the room confidently as if nothing happened.

And, the entire day, McCoy was not seen at all.

 

* * *

Thanks to Kirk's usual cold-heart characteristics, people easily presume that he is not a considerate person.

Well, it is not totally wrong. It's an accurate presumption. People shouldn't forget that Kirk calculates gain and loss like a computer and he never sacrifices big one to gain a smaller one. Commanding the ship well, helping crews to be satisfied with what they do are also the evaluation criteria for a Starfleet captain. The evaluation for a captain is highly important to Kirk's career and in order to always have the best evaluation, he never failed to meet every standard and qualification as a captain. He even kept his promise to send crews to shore leaves which he failed to do so last time, due to some minor reason.

 

USS Enterprise was anchored in a safe orbit to let the crews spend their shore leaves in some class M planet, known for its beautiful nature. Captain sometimes endorse his leave over to the crews who wish to go for a shore leave and kept his position inside the ship. At the moment, there were only two people in main bridge. Kirk and Sulu. There were only 50 crews out of 400 left in the ship and McCoy was also one of the 40. McCoy decided to stay put when he found out that the nurses and other doctors wanted to go on leave quickly. Since many people were taking their leaves, sick bay didn't require that many resources, so McCoy could handle the place more than enough.

Spock had every detail of who stays and who goes and he reports to captain, thus making captain aware of McCoy's existence in the ship. Kirk knows that 27 hours were left until the return of every crew from the main bridge and sick bay. Within the 27 hours, he wanted to stay with McCoy alone. That seemingly crazy or stupid doctor was the biggest interest of captain, recently. Leonard McCoy... There are something beast-like characteristics to the doctor but how he actually acts, in reality, was like that of sensitive girl. When he checks the crews' condition via PADD, his mouth is habitually half open and when he starts to concentrate, he closes his lips tightly. From time to time, he pouts, bites his lower lip and if needed, he asks nurses in a very gentle way.

He was far from the title 'CMO'. No charisma, no aggressiveness. He was loose and considerate. And, when Kirk thinks of this weird doctor, he feels his heart starting to beat faster. Sometimes, he even feels dizzy. His body must be malfunctioning. Since he met the doctor. He wants to ask the doctor. No, honestly, he misses the doctor. But, someone had to stay in the main bridge and so did the sick bay. Sulu was in the main bridge while McCoy was alone in the sick bay. Since Kirk wanted to be with the doctor alone, he asked Sulu to take command and took a walk around the ship like a kid going to a field trip. While on the way to the sick bay, he meaninglessly touched the corridor's wall, observed the patterns of the ceiling and looked around the place as if it's new. Just like a kid going on field trip.

Kirk never really liked someone. Maybe when he was a student? He did when he was still a teenager. And, when he broke up, it heart like crazy. And then, he met someone new and fell in heart-throbbing love. It was forever ago. His memory of those moments is blurred. He's been needing someone for a long time, not really 'loving' someone. He's been needing sex, power, knowledge... Mostly, he meets people based on needs. Now, he feels the need to see McCoy. He doesn't know the reason yet. He might know it if he sees McCoy, but even this might be some excuse to rationalize his need to see McCoy. Would McCoy know the answer?

 

When Kirk entered the sick bay slowly, he found McCoy talking to a patient in a friendly way. The officer was wounded badly from last mission and he almost died from it, but McCoy brought him back to life miraculously. Even now, he's checking the crew with a tricorder and joked that the patient could just stop bothering him because nothing is wrong. The doctor had a soothing smile. Kirk blankly watched him from afar. McCoy patted on the patient affectionately and realized that there is a new visitor. His eyes met Kirk's. Kirk hesitated whether to smile or say hi. However, out of nowhere, Kirk felt some acute agony to his heart as if some invisible hand was squeezing his heart. His face convulsed in pain as he fell to his knee while grabbing his left chest. McCoy looked shocked as his face turned white. He ran to captain right away, while preparing his tricorder. He quickly thrust the tricorder to Kirk to check his condition but was interrupted when Kirk yanked the doctor's wrist.

"Doctor. I need to be in my quarters. Right now."

"Captain? But, you are in pain, I"

"Doctor," Kirk forestalled. "I need my medicine. And, that's in my quarter. Please." Kirk forced himself to smile as he spoke.

McCoy didn't understand him when he is in the sick bay where the doctor can cure anything, though the remedy was the first priority, so he assisted his captain to bring him to his quarters. McCoy wrapped Kirk's arm around his neck and followed Kirk's guide. The power of the doctor's arm was pretty firm. Would McCoy be still kind and helpful if the patient stabs him on the back? Kirk doesn't believe that he would help a person who assaulted him. His body was so close to the doctor's and he can feel something he didn't know before. He can feel the doctor's temperature through the clothes. McCoy checked on Kirk from time to time and Kirk had to pretend that he was not observing him. He stealthily stared at the doctor. When he finished scanning the doctor's face thoroughly, they arrived at the captain's quarters. Kirk never showed his personal spaces to other people. It was forbidden. He can't tell what they would do inside his place, so when he decides to let somebody inside his place, he speculates all kind of probability. However, right now, he didn't really speculate every probability before letting the doctor in.

Kirk staggered towards his bed to sit down, while McCoy started to fumble the nearest drawers. McCoy will never find the medicine.

"Captain, where is the medicine?" McCoy asked, impatiently.

Kirk just buried his face to his hands without an answer.

"Captain, where is it? Tell me, goddamn it!" McCoy reiterates.

Kirk's face was still buried in his hands. It was to hide his smile. McCoy came in front of the captain, obviously starting to feel impatient to repeat his question. Kirk tries his best to hide his smile to look at the doctor. McCoy was slightly frowning, eyes widened, silently staring at the captain who was just sitting on the bed. Kirk remained his position and stared at the doctor in front of him. He, then, extended his arm to carefully grab McCoy's hand. And, he slowly pulled the doctor closer as he stood up in front of him. Kirk couldn't really hide his smile. He couldn't help it. Kirk wrapped his other arm around the doctor's waist and pulled closer to him skillfully. McCoy tried to step back, but Kirk was stronger.

"There is no medicine?" McCoy whispered.

Kirk grinned as he nodded.

"Did you act in the sick bay to bring me here?" McCoy asked, obviously furious.

Kirk nodded again.

"Unbelievable." McCoy growled, casting furious look.

"Even a child could tell I was lying."

"Captain, I'm a doctor, not a goddamn telepath." McCoy spoke as he tried his best to avoid Kirk's face coming closer.

"Shut up."

Kirk grabbed McCoy's chin, while his other arm was still holding the doctor's waist. He approached closer. When McCoy couldn't avoid it further, he remained still. His lips were twitching as if he wanted to say something or maybe simply he wanted to avoid what was coming to him. Kirk's eyes moved to McCoy's lips from his eyes and landed a soft kiss on that twitching lips. This time, Kirk remained still, drunk by the sensation of kiss and the lips' softness. His heart started to throb faster, worrying that the doctor might hear it. Kirk moved his hand to the back of McCoy's had from his chin and kissed deeper. He licked the lower lip of the doctor and invaded the mouth by force. He can feel McCoy resisting, but he just couldn't stop now. He grabbed doctor's face with both hands to kiss more fiercely. He, then, spun on his heels so he could face his bed and walked straight. McCoy recoiled hesitantly until his legs touched the bed. McCoy sat on the bed, involuntarily. Kirk rested his knee on the bed to thoroughly scan inside McCoy's mouth. He pulled away just to look at McCoy, flushing like a teenage girl. His eyes seemed terrified. Kirk grabbed McCoy to pull him further to the bed. McCoy lied on the bed completely, looking Kirk taking his shirt off. He started to divest the doctor, too. McCoy kept mumbling some illogical stuff as he behaved passively, but he didn't resist that violently. Kirk pulled the doctor's pants down along with the brief and when McCoy could feel the cold air through his private part, he quickly tried to pull his pants up again, obviously embarrassed. Kirk slapped away the doctor's hands, only to find the limp penis.

"You are not hard." Kirk spoke, obviously unpleasant. "You are not impotent, are you?" Kirk asked, raising a brow.

McCoy stared at Kirk as if he couldn't believe what he just heard. Even at this moment, McCoy didn't stop his futile attempt to stop his captain from divesting him. Kirk was quite annoyed at that attempt as he stopped McCoy's hands. And then, Kirk moved his mouth straight to the doctor's limp cock. There was a strong spasm of McCoy's body like he's electrocuted. He then started to stop Kirk by pushing his shoulders.

"Captain, please, don't." McCoy begged, his voice shaking pitifully.

Kirk doesn't really provide this kind of service since his pleasure comes first than anything else. But, McCoy was different. Kirk continued his service, sucking McCoy until he could feel it getting harder inside his mouth.

"I am glad you are not impotent, doctor." Kirk grinned, wiping his mouth.

"Well, no thanks to you." McCoy grunted.

"Open the drawer beside you. No, your left." Kirk ordered, slapping McCoy's thigh.

McCoy opened the first drawer and handed the thing he found from there. Kirk extended his hand to take it and McCoy stared it briefly before passing it to captain. Kirk opened the lid and coated his finger enough with the contents. McCoy's eyes are widened again at it. Kirk grins at McCoy.

"Well, I'd like to fuck you dry. But, I believe the mess last time was pretty hideous. And, I want it to be gentle, this time."

"Wow, I am deeply grateful." McCoy does not forget to be sarcastic.

"Did you learn in Academy to speak to your superior that way?"

"If I recall, they don't teach how to talk to superiors in bed. Captain."

Kirk huffed out a laugh, finding it hard to believe at McCoy's behavior. He, then, moved his fingers to McCoy's now healed opening. Without hesitation, Kirk inserted his coated finger into the hole. McCoy's body twitched as he sealed his lips.

"I guess this will shut you up."

"I can go on, if you may." McCoy grunted under gritted teeth.

Kirk grins as he added another finger. McCoy started to grab the sheet, his hands shaking. When another finger was added inside his rectum, McCoy's head fell back.

"Yes, you may, doctor." Kirk tilted his head to the side and spoke with a smile.

"It's healed almost perfectly."

"Only the outside. I couldn't insert my regenerator inside my rectum." McCoy's sentence was cut every time fingers moved inside him.

Kirk imagines McCoy healing between his legs using the regenerator. He might have tried inserting the regenerator to heal inside his anus. Just by imagining it, Kirk could feel himself getting harder. He instead buried his middle finger deeper into the doctor's shaking body. When his fingers were buried deep enough, he can touch some kind of wound. It's almost healed. Last time, he couldn't see McCoy's face, but now he can see every little twitch on the doctor's face. McCoy's face, sound, and body expressed everything.

"You've never been fucked in the ass?" Kirk asked, apparently not believing.

McCoy glared at Kirk with a frown and then screwed shut his eyes to turn his head to the side.

"Then, how did you get this far?"

"My medical competency, obviously, captain."

"Come on, doctor, to get this far, you need another type of competency." Kirk added, slightly annoyed.

McCoy was not capable of speaking further. Kirk enjoyed watching McCoy a bit more and then inserted the fourth finger to add some more pressure.

"Tell me, doctor. What would be your medical opinion if I were to insert my fist into your asshole?"

"In my opinion, captain," McCoy finally raised his head to see Kirk. "It's bullshit." His head fell back again.

Kirk shrugged to express that he complied and withdrew his fingers from McCoy. McCoy, then, sighed out of relief, his chest heaving slightly. Kirk didn't want McCoy to rest. The hole had to be wider before it gets tight again. Kirk grabbed an available pillow and placed in under McCoy's waist. He crawled above the doctor's body and placed his palms at each side of McCoy. McCoy slowly opened his eyes, curious as to why it got dark all of sudden. What he found was Kirk looking down at him. The way he looked at Kirk was clearly expressing fatigue and frustration. Kirk continued to enjoy watching the doctor.

"It seems that you have accepted my medical opinion." McCoy whispered.

"I do, doctor."

"I am surprisingly grateful."

Before McCoy finished his sentence, Kirk inserted his cock into McCoy, quite violently. McCoy ended his sentence with a groan at the sudden invasion. He gritted his teeth and turned his head to the side. His both hands grabbed the sheet in a futile hope to reduce the pain, while his inner thighs were tightened. The doctor's face convulsed in pain as he gritted his teeth harder to refrain himself from screaming. Kirk was watching every detail of the doctor. He realized he could move much smoother with the help of lube. McCoy's face started to turn red. Kirk grabbed McCoy's hair to fix his head turning side to side so he could look at him continuously. McCoy was frowning, obviously annoyed with the agony. His eye shed a drop of tear, involuntarily.

Kirk was observing McCoy, like a kid observing a new, interesting toy. It was unbelievable. His flesh against McCoy's, the sensation of himself buried inside the body, the existence of McCoy in front of him... It was all too perfect. He loved it so much that he could go crazy. Intolerably good. Kirk fixed McCoy's head and kissed. He kissed frantically before he moved his lips to McCoy's ear, cheek and neck. He indulged himself with the doctor's body. He embraced the doctor's shaking body tight and continued thrusting. McCoy's muscle was still rigid that it was holding Kirk's cock tighter. McCoy's cock was getting harder, being stimulated between his and Kirk's stomach, along with the pain. Kirk grabbed McCoy's cock to jerk it up and down which made a sound of pleasure escape from McCoy's parted lips. Whenever Kirk pushed in stronger, McCoy's lungs huffed breath. Kirk wanted to confess that he's loving it so much. But, he couldn't. He is the captain. He shouldn't express his true feelings that easily. That's how he could survive. He bit McCoy's shoulder quite painfully, just to prevent himself uttering confession unconsciously. Instead, he worked on McCoy's cock more diligently. McCoy tried to stop Kirk from playing with his cock, throwing shaky breath. Kirk found it rather amusing, that he continued his service. McCoy started to writhe out of sudden and turned his head to the side so he could bury his face into the pillow. He was shaking tremendously and Kirk could feel some hot and sticky fluid wetting his hand. Kirk didn't wait further. He fully sheathed himself into the body and spilled his seeds. The fierce orgasm spiked through his body. Kirk buried his face into McCoy's neck and sighed. Only the beating of two hearts filled the room.

 

* * *

 

He doesn't get sick no matter how long he watched McCoy sleeping. Kirk was laying on his side, observing McCoy who was also laying on his side. He must be some easy-going doctor. He fell asleep really quickly on a stranger's bed. Kirk can confirm by the way McCoy breathed, that McCoy was sleeping. He looked pretty tired. Kirk slowly lifted his hand to touch McCoy's arm. His fingers followed the line of McCoy's arm up to his shoulder and then touched it. McCoy squirmed in his sleep and Kirk quickly moved his hand away from him. He checked again that McCoy was sleeping just so he could touch the doctor. He touched McCoy's face carefully as if he's sculpting him. Cheek. Pointy nose. Eyebrow. Eye. And then cheek again. And then lips. The diamond shaped lips. The lips drew enough attention of Kirk. He noticed that McCoy's each side of lips become sharp when he smiles. Pillow-like lips. He groped the lower lip. He's amazed that McCoy is still sleeping when he's touching this much. He fell asleep like someone hyposprayed him. Kirk wanted to turn the light to 100 percent to see the doctor's face clearly and now he starts to believe that McCoy would be still asleep. Kirk felt courageous to gingerly land a soft kiss on McCoy. After a couple of seconds, he looks at McCoy again. He scans the face thoroughly. He whispered 'I like you, doctor' in a very quiet voice. After observing the doctor's face a bit more, he wrapped his arm around the doctor's waist. He touched McCoy's forehead with his and closed his eyes. He can feel McCoy's breathing. The distance was perfect. The sensation of his flesh against McCoy's flesh was amazingly relaxing. As if he was safe from everything.

Kirk embraced McCoy softly and fell asleep

* * *

 

After Spock returned from the shore leave, it was the remaining crews' turn.

Kirk didn't really expect much from this transparent doctor who wears his heart on his sleeve, though the doctor was pretty skillful pretending like nothing happened. He really was an exciting subject for Kirk to observe. Kirk left Spock in command before leaving for shore leave. This wave of shore leave was consist of less than 15 people and the planet where they will spend the shore leave was surprisingly huge enough for people to spend it privately and roam around freely. It's just that the accommodation was located in one place only. So, what they usually do is leave their stuff in the room and head to wherever they want. Kirk specially requested Spock to inform him of the crews' whereabouts. As a captain, he had to know who stays where and furthermore, it was to prevent any possible assassination. Of course, he had to know where McCoy is staying. Fortunately, McCoy has been staying in his room for quite a long time, so Spock didn't have much to update Kirk regarding the doctor's whereabouts.

The accommodation was unsophisticated, mostly built using woods with the least furnishing, thus people use the place solely for leaving their stuff before going to enjoy other activities such as surfing, swimming or hiking somewhere else. The accommodation was nearby the beach, though it takes 20 minutes to get there and the sea didn't really fit into the ideal conditions for surfing or swimming. Therefore, this place is useful for leaving stuff only. The houses were built on shallow but broad stream and wooden bridges were built like a spider web for moving everywhere. During summer, the stream becomes shallow and forms formidable forest but during the weather like this, the level of water rises pretty highly.

If walked deeper passing by the accommodations, the beach appears. The beach at this side is calm and not that deep, so there is no particular facility for entertainment around here. McCoy decided to stay in a house nearby the beach and Kirk had to keep his feet inside the stream and creep under the wooden bridge to avoid being caught by McCoy. Kirk was observing McCoy whenever he appears through the window. Kirk doesn't really enjoy relaxing shore leave, so it was no problem for him to observe the doctor like this. There are people around him to be aware, hence relaxing was never his option. But, watching McCoy was quite pleasant.

The weather here was quite chill since the trees were creating shades all over the place. Kirk started to feel his feet getting colder as he places his both arm on the bridge while observing McCoy. McCoy was spending his shore leave surprisingly boring. He could be the winner to spend his vacations in the most pedestrian ways. He unpacked his stuff, drank something by the window, roamed around the room, lied on the sofa, read a book and repeated this routine all over again. Kirk watched for three hours and he knew there would be no other surprise than seeing McCoy repeating this boring routine once more. Kirk resisted his urge to just barge into McCoy's room, but he believed it was the best for him or both of them to keep some distance. Therefore, Kirk walked toward the beach alone.

Kirk thought that it was pretty relaxing to walk on the beach, holding his shoes. It's past time for the sun to burn the hottest. Sun was now just warm and the wind was pleasantly cool. Nevertheless, since there isn't any facility or entertainment around this area, Kirk had nothing better to do but to just walk and watch the horizon. After 10 minutes of walking, Kirk turned around to see the direction at which McCoy's room is located. There was McCoy slowly trudging towards the beach, holding a beach rug. He was blankly looking at the horizon and then placed his rug a bit distant from the beach to sat on it. Kirk never saw him wearing anything other than the blue Starfleet uniform. McCoy was wearing a t-shirt which and short pants, all a bit bigger for him. There was this weird stream of joy falling in Kirk's heart when he saw the doctor. He grinned unconsciously. He tried to refrain it but it just seemed so impossible to stop it. His face was paralyzed with a smile. Kirk smiles a lot. False smile. However, he is now smiling out of pure joy. He changed his direction to walked towards McCoy, trying his best to stop the silly smile. He tried to think about something serious and solemn but it was to no avail. McCoy was drinking something, still watching at the horizon blankly and he didn't notice a stranger approaching him.

"It's good to see you here, doc." Kirk said gingerly.

McCoy almost jumped off where he was as he fell to his side and knocked his bottle together. Kirk didn't intend to surprise him but it was pretty fun to watch the doctor's reaction.

"You could have warned me."

"I'm sorry. Next time, I will gently knock on your door." Kirk sat beside him. "What are you drinking?" Kirk asked pointing the bottle which is almost buried inside the sand.

Kirk was wise enough to pretend that it was his first time to see the bottle, while he had been watching the doctor for three hours.

"It's a..." McCoy had a hard time answering, grabbing the bottle tightly.

Then, he looked at Kirk with these apologetic eyes and squeezed the bottle tighter. Kirk couldn't help himself laughing at the doctor.

"This is a Romulan ale." McCoy whispered as if someone might hear him.

"You know, that's illegal."

"I use it just for the medicinal purpose." McCoy makes excuse hurriedly. "Well, would you like some?"

"No thanks. I don't want to be an accomplice." Kirk refuses, shaking his hand.

Kirk used to have a problem controlling his drinking behavior. These days, he concluded that there is so much to lose than to gain when drunk on duty, so he never drinks while on duty. He drinks only when he's alone or he's at some personal place. Besides, he is afraid what he would confess when drunk.

"Well, I have some nuts for a snack. But, you must be allergic to it." McCoy scans Kirk as he handed the nuts.

"Yes, I am highly allergic to nuts. And, how do you know it?"

"I guess you forgot that I'm the doctor in your ship who has to know the conditions of all the crew." McCoy squints skeptically at the captain.

"I don't think I've ever stated that I'm allergic to nuts." Kirk cited as he groped his memory.

"You did. And, every Star Fleet officer has to go through a medical checkup. James Kirk. Alpha male. Blood type A. 6 feet tall. Allergy to nuts but not to cashew nuts." McCoy explained, raising his eyebrows. "Sometimes, the allergy is quite hereditary. Maybe, your mom or dad has it?"

"I was told that my father did. A serious allergy," Kirk remembers what his mom told him. "Maybe you could put that in your medical log, too, Doctor McCoy." Kirk huffed out a laugh.

"Wow, you remember my name. What a glorious day for me." McCoy spat sarcastically.

"I never forgot your name. As a matter of fact, I can hardly forget. I was categorized as a prodigy. I even remember the taste of the first formula I had." Kirk added as if it is nothing special.

"Oh well... Then, do you even remember the day you were born?" McCoy asks skeptically once again.

"You got me there. I don't. There are some pieces of memory, but that's it." Kirk fumbled his memory as he spoke.

Truth be told, Kirk thought maybe if he tried harder, he could remember the face of a person who gave him birth, but every memory that was formed before he was three was all too blurry. McCoy scanned Kirk silently and then nodded. He took another sip of the Romulan Ale. He suddenly looked a bit concerned.

"What are you doing out here? No one really comes to this place." McCoy asked, attempting to change the topic.

Kirk doesn't answer. Instead, he just wiped the sand off his hand. To see you, Kirk thought to himself. Yes, he just thought to himself. McCoy waited for him to answer briefly and realized that he wouldn't answer.

"I wish I didn't seem like prying, captain." McCoy added carefully, checking Kirk's face.

Instead of the answer, Kirk just looks at McCoy and grinned. When he looked at himself through McCoy's eyes, his heart started to feel weird. And, suddenly, he couldn't look at McCoy in the eyes, so he turned his head around. It was strange. Silence fills the air briefly. McCoy started to watch the horizon again and Kirk also changed his focus to the ocean. The sun was slowly disappearing beyond the horizon. Sun was coloring everything into orange and the ocean that follows the color of the sky lost its emerald color to turn itself into orange.

"Are you okay with me being here? I mean, I wouldn't believe you'd like me, doctor." Kirk laughed like a teenage boy as he threw his candid question to the doctor.

McCoy just shrugged, eyes riveted on the ocean.

"Do you want me to run away? You know, I can't. It's useless, anyway. How can I run away from you?" McCoy answered plainly and grinned.

"You could at least be more like... Repulsive. Or, just leave."

"Me? Leave? I came here first. And, I'm enjoying the scenery. Captain, you can leave. I won't." McCoy's eyes widened as he growled at his captain.

Kirk never saw anyone this defiant to him. Well, the doctor's defiance is actually cute. It is not even defiance. McCoy seemed like he is joking all the time but in fact, he was answering every question Kirk asked. It would be no use for the doctor to run away. Kirk sighed and nodded. Suddenly, some brilliant idea crossed his mind. Kirk shot up from his place and ran towards the houses to grab something. McCoy didn't look at Kirk but when he heard a sound that Kirk is dragging something huge, he started to feel something ominous will happen. When he looked back, Kirk was dragging huge air mattress for two people. He tied it with the nearest tree and dragged it to the ocean to have it float on the water.

"Care to join me, doctor?" Kirk panted as he spoke.

"If you are giving me a choice, I don't..."

"No, I'm not. Come here." Kirk gestured him to hurry.

"We are on shore leave." McCoy yells in a serious manner.

Kirk suddenly strode towards McCoy with his usual cold face. McCoy shrieked automatically when he saw Kirk approaching nearer. Kirk's mouth was sealed tightly and he even looked angry.

"Captain, I didn't mean to..."

When McCoy tried to reason, Kirk stopped in front of him. McCoy slowly tried to check Kirk but then he suddenly lowered his body. McCoy thought Kirk would hit him, so he lifted his arms in defense. But, Kirk just walked back to the air mattress. McCoy couldn't tell what just happened, so he just looked at Kirk. Kirk stood beside the air mattress and turned around to see McCoy.

"I have your Romulan Ale, doctor." Kirk cooed as he shook the bottle of Romulan Ale.

McCoy bit his lower lip.

"Oh, great."

"If you don't join me, this Romulan ale will be a part of the ocean." Kirk threatened.

McCoy stared at him in silence, clearly not understanding what is happening. Then, he grunted inaudibly as he stood up. He looked slightly annoyed and uncomfortable throughout the way he approached Kirk. When McCoy approached nearer, Kirk swiftly hopped on to the mattress. McCoy glared at Kirk, obviously holding his anger back.

"Come on, doctor. Drink your Romulan ale on the sea. Imagine how wonderful that will be!" Kirk replies with this boyish delight on his face.

"Well, I prefer to drink it on the shore."

"Shut up and just hop on." Kirk gestured, quickly.

McCoy sighed and walked into the sea to climb up to the mattress with his head down. It was too late for McCoy to realize that climbing to the mattress is quite difficult as he struggled his way through. Kirk grabbed his arm tightly to help him climb the mattress and McCoy finally was on the mattress. The mattress, tied to a tree, was getting farther from the shore due to the mild current.

"Satisfied? Captain?" McCoy growled, his eyebrows arching.

Kirk handed the Romulan ale over to McCoy with a wide grin. McCoy snatched the bottle from Kirk's hand and took a sip. He exhaled loudly and the alcohol smell from the breath reached Kirk. Kirk sprawled on the mattress and stared at the sky. McCoy seemed still annoyed as he just continued to drink the ale.

"Look at the sky, doctor. It's beautiful." Kirk whispered, genuinely impressed.

A part of the sky was orange while the other part was dark navy. Another part of the sky was filled with stars while the other part was filled with orange clouds.

"I am looking at it. There is nothing to see other than the sky and the sea, after all." McCoy grunted.

The only sound they can hear is the mixture of a mild splash of water and gentle wind. All the people on this planet were at the other part of this ocean. Only Kirk and McCoy were here in this very place. Kirk secretly looks at McCoy. McCoy looked different from Kirk's angle. First, Kirk saw the pillow-like lips. The pointy nose was just like its owner, proudly protruding. Along the strong jawline was Adam's apple that bobbed to the rhythm of McCoy drinking Romulan Ale. Kirk unconsciously touched the doctor's face while observing. McCoy shrunk slightly surprised at the touch. He looked at his captain, laying on the mattress. Kirk's eyes were shining like sapphire, reflecting the sky's color. Kirk was staring at McCoy with this mild grin. He could feel his heart beating, thanks to the feeling through his fingertips touching McCoy. Kirk sat up right away and his face was now almost touching McCoy's face. Kirk cupped McCoy's face and scanned it with dreamy eyes. He could smell the unique Romulan ale's scent through the doctor's breath. Kirk scanned McCoy's lips, nose, forehead and lastly his eyes.

"What have you done to me, doctor?" Kirk inquired, his eyebrows knitted.

Without any reaction or response, McCoy merely stared at his captain. He, then, lowered his stares submissively. Kirk slowly pulled the doctor's face to kiss him. His lips landed softly on McCoy's. It was a very careful kiss that he almost felt sacred. When McCoy hesitantly parted his lips, Kirk didn't miss his chance to explore deeper as he thrust his tongue inside. He felt like getting drunk by the remaining alcohol inside McCoy's mouth. Kirk couldn't stop his stream of joy when he believed that McCoy was slowly opening to him. He was like the most delicious dish Kirk never gets tired of. The more he tastes, the more he wanted. Kirk wrapped his arms around McCoy's back like a spider web to kiss deeper. When kiss got deeper, McCoy started to get flustered as he pushed Kirk's chest. Kirk, instead, took the doctor's hand and laid him on the mattress, just so he could pour a rain of kiss on McCoy's neck, chest and ear like a starved man.

Kirk inserted his two fingers inside McCoy's mouth while the other free hand pulled up McCoy's shirts to kiss. When he kissed all over McCoy's body, he found a subtle wound on the abdomen. Kirk halted briefly at the wound but resumed to kiss it too. McCoy licked the finger for the sake of his own and Kirk pulled his pants down to see half-hardened cock. Kirk grinned at it before he started to wrap it with his mouth. McCoy's body was getting nervous again. Kirk began to suck McCoy wholeheartedly, using his lips and tongue. He wanted this activity to convey his confession. McCoy was busy refraining himself from involuntary noise coming out of his mouth. He clamped his hand over his mouth. Kirk withdrew his fingers to insert it. As an apology to his past behavior, he did his best to be gentle. He worked his way inside McCoy's rigid body. Soon enough, McCoy's body became pliant. Kirk couldn't wait longer as he came above the doctor. He settled between the doctor's legs to line himself up to McCoy's opening. Kirk slowly and gently buried himself into McCoy's body. When Kirk entered, the two of them sighed together. Kirk instinctively moved quite violently until he noticed McCoy's face contorting in agony. McCoy was biting his lower lip out of pain, so Kirk had to slow down with more gentleness. Kirk buried his lips to McCoy's corner of the neck and started to move slowly and tenderly. McCoy's body started to relax when Kirk started to focus on McCoy's pleasure, not his own.

As Kirk moved slowly, he turned his head to the side to see the dark navy sky touching the horizon of the sea. The orange sun was now gone and the world was dependent on the lights of the star and moon. The place was fully exposed to the moon, thus McCoy's face. Kirk can see all the detail of his face. He scanned every change on McCoy's face. Pupils dilated, parted lips and slightly trembling hands. Kirk sees it all. McCoy was slowly getting drunk on pleasure as his body relaxed. He looked into Kirk's sapphire eyes. None of them broke the eye contacts. McCoy's inner wall was covering Kirk thoroughly and smoothly. His inside was warm, soft and safe. Kirk slowly raised his hand to cup the doctor's face. Kirk carefully laid beside McCoy.

"Call my name." Kirk panted.

McCoy stares at Kirk, speechless. Kirk raised McCoy's leg to resume to his duty which made the doctor's body flinch.

"Call my name, Leonard. Call my name..." Kirk whispered, impatiently.

Kirk wrapped his arms around McCoy to speed up as if he wants to unite McCoy into his own body. He couldn't tolerate any longer. McCoy's breath hitched to Kirk's movement. McCoy quickly embraced Kirk, biting his lip.

"Jim. Jim..." McCoy chanted.

When McCoy called his name, his movement got faster. In order to move faster, Kirk pushed McCoy by shoulders and climbed above the doctor. McCoy splayed his legs wide open for easier access and never stopped calling Kirk by his name. Kirk spent his every second to look into the doctor's eyes. I like you, Leonard, so much, Kirk thought. He could almost say it.

"I..." Kirk murmurs

The strong instinct to say it and to not, collides violently. McCoy waited with half-lidded eyes, assuming that Kirk was trying to say something. Kirk's lips flinched and then soon, his face was contorted. I like you. I love you. Kirk screamed internally. No sound came out of his mouth. Instead of any verbal confession, Kirk came hard inside McCoy. He could say that he exploded inside the doctor. The night sky was spinning and the pleasure was paralyzing. He rested his forehead on McCoy's shoulder and panted. McCoy tenderly patted Kirk's back. As if he is comforting. It evoked some indescribable feeling Kirk never felt before. It was the security, comfort, and gentleness he never felt before. Kirk embraced McCoy and stayed still. Until he withdrew himself out of McCoy, he was still holding the doctor.

And, so unlike of Kirk, he locked McCoy inside his arms and fell asleep.

 


	2. Never forgive me, never forget me

 

Kirk has been feeling the best, lately. His mood, attitude, feeling.

Everyone who knew Kirk found it so unbecoming of him. The officers who came back with the failed mission were expecting at least, agonizers or probably 6 hours in agony booth but Kirk just ordered them to report to the sick back and take a rest. The officers somehow doubted that maybe Captain was planning to poison them in the sick bay but when they saw doctor McCoy, they truly rested. Kirk never gave anyone a break. Just a small potential threat is a more than enough reason for Kirk to eliminate them. That's how he could get this far and remain as is. However, Kirk became quite generous to all the people around him. People in the main bridge felt a bit more comfortable but not totally, because they know Kirk can change any time. Everyone knows they have no one but to thank McCoy for all this change. Kirk regularly visits the sick bay and while he's away, everyone can have some peace of mind.

Even when Kirk is smiling, he always wears this chilling aura around his body and eyes that makes people so uncomfortable and nervous. No matter how kind he behaves, people never felt truly comfortable. Now, even that chilling aura was reduced, people find it much easier than before, talking to Kirk. Some group attempted to aim for Captain's authority but well, Kirk is never that relaxed. When Kirk visits the sick bay and smile at McCoy like a dog wagging its tail at its master, some people pitied McCoy. And, people also found Kirk ridiculous for attaching to somebody who's not returning the same amount of attention. McCoy never rejected Kirk. He never even showed a hint of rejection. He always welcomed Kirk with his usual smile mixed with pity and generosity. McCoy was even kinder to Kirk, considering Kirk as some lovesick kid. There was no malice in McCoy's kindness. He was not that type of person who tries to be kind especially to people with power or with an ulterior motive. Kirk knew this more than anyone does and that is one of the reasons he is attracted to McCoy. Even today, Kirk visited the sick bay, dragging McCoy to his quarters, grabbing McCoy's hand with persistence and attachment. McCoy was reluctant to leave the sick bay with patients who need him, but he couldn't resist the hand that drags him. Furthermore, Kirk's eyes were sparkling with a wide smile that makes him look like a teenager boy. McCoy couldn't easily resist Kirk who behaves like a stray dog longing for affection. People can't do anything but to thank McCoy as they threw stares of pity to him, being dragged by Kirk. As McCoy passed by, people nodded at him with a smile out of pity and gratitude. McCoy nodded at them as he tightly smiled, too. The used-to-be terrifying atmosphere within the USS Enterprise has been reduced very much, thanks to McCoy. McCoy had to pay a great deal for that, so people constantly threw pity and gratitude at him. The doctor tried his best to ignore it.

"It's so obvious that the doctor pities the captain." A yeoman whispered as quietly as she could.

"I agree. The captain is like a lovesick kid." The officer beside the yeoman whispered, as well.

McCoy could hear them. People tend to relax and neglect their cautiousness around the doctor. McCoy didn't even flinch, though. He just wished that those words would never reach Kirk. As he was being dragged to captain's quarters, he tried his best to just smile at the captain, as if he really loves it. Kirk would smile back at him like a boy, after thoroughly observing McCoy's face, attempting to spot any discrepancy.

 

McCoy stares at Kirk locked inside his arms.

Kirk fell asleep, arms snaking around McCoy's torso, with attachment. There was something to Kirk's embrace. It resembles the attachment of a boy towards his mother. No intention to ever let go.

McCoy read Kirk's file a few days ago. Kirk's father was killed in the year he was born. His mother was killed even before the admission of his son to grade school. Besides, he has had no friend at all, just because he was labeled as 'a boy with no mother'. After that, he was moving to a different relative's house from another. Therefore, he was not able to receive any proper attention or affection from caregivers. However, thanks to his natural intelligence and talent, recommended by his parents' colleagues, he could easily join Starfleet. After joining Starfleet, he had to constantly step on somebody else to rise and to maintain his position. In this battle called Starfleet, Kirk must have never trusted or liked someone other than himself. Whenever McCoy came to think about it, he couldn't help but to pity Kirk until his own heart aches. It was too much for this young man to take it all. There are so many things McCoy would like to say and do for him, but he just believed that the right moment hasn't come. He studied the face of sleeping man. Still young and handsome man. The pity and guilt began to pile up in his heart uncontrollably.

It's all my fault.

McCoy thought. He bit his lower lip out of guilt. McCoy gingerly caressed soft hair of sleeping Kirk, his face buried in McCoy's chest with arms wrapped around his torso. Kirk doesn't confess his love. No, it is more accurate to say that he can't. But, he consistently asks McCoy.

_Do you love me? Do you care for me? You like me, do you, Bones. Tell me you like me. Call my name..._

McCoy, then, always answers. The answer Kirk wants to hear. But, Kirk never confesses. Whenever he tries to confess, his face contorts in agony, feeling that the shield he has been building for years would be destroyed if he confessed his true feelings. When that dilemma kicks in, his movement becomes rougher as if he wishes to convey how much he feels for McCoy, through rough physical contacts. He confesses through touch, hug, kiss, and sex. People may say whatever they want, about Kirk. All McCoy wanted to do was to protect this pitiful man. McCoy began to pat his back after caressing his hair.

"Keep touching my hair, will you?" Kirk said, his voice muffled by McCoy's chest.

McCoy moves his hand to Kirk's head from the back, so he could caress the blonde hair again.

"You're like a baby. Big baby." McCoy chuckles silently.

"And, this big baby is your captain." Kirk answered, squeezing McCoy even tighter.

Kirk was awake long time ago, staying still. He knew McCoy wasn't sleeping, so he didn't sleep either. It's not because of defense in case of McCoy slitting his throat in his sleep. Kirk knows well more than anyone that McCoy is not capable of such an action. McCoy has been sighing and now he's even caressing his hair. That meant something was going on, obviously. Or, maybe the doctor was just uncomfortable. He had to figure it out. If possible, really quickly. However, at the moment, he decided to lock McCoy inside his arms.

_Don't leave me. Stay with me._

Words that Kirk can never say, but mumbles inside his head, constantly.

_I like you. I love you, Bones. Love me only. Think of me, only._

Kirk finally closes his eyes and tries to fall asleep finally.

 

"Damn it, Jim, this bathtub is for one person." McCoy grunted, as he slowly settled down inside the bathtub.

Kirk was already chest-deep into the bathtub, as he was observing McCoy with satisfaction. The bathtub was specially built for captains. The huge square bathtub could accommodate two grown-ups. Kirk always wanted to bring McCoy here, sitting together. McCoy did his best not to be in the bathtub, complaining the size, sanity and giving another ten more reasons, but anyway he couldn't break Kirk's persistence. The water temperature was lukewarm and the bathtub was massaging McCoy's waist with water bubbles. Kirk continued to study McCoy's face, expecting some positive comments. McCoy wanted to continue complaining, but he couldn't help his smile as he looked at Kirk, looking back at him with his deep blue eyes bright with curiosity.

"If I say I don't like this, will you consider it as mutiny?" McCoy huffed out a laugh as he asked.

"And, what if I say yes?"

"Then, I have no choice but to reluctantly say, I like it." McCoy answered, pretending that he is serious.

Kirk splashed water to McCoy's face which made him frown right away. McCoy took his revenge by splashing more, but Kirk was just giggling as if everything happening right now is unbearably fun. It was nothing. Two grown-ups sitting inside the bathtub. Kirk seems to be enjoying this moment. McCoy considered it tolerable as he relaxed inside the tub. His muscles were relaxed comfortably as well.

"Is this how you repay for my shore leave you sabotaged?" McCoy asked, trying his best to look uncomfortable.

"Did I ruin your shore leave?" Kirk suddenly looked so shocked that it startled McCoy.

McCoy didn't expect Kirk to react like that. The young man's face is now filled with terror. The childish smile he had a few seconds ago was nowhere to be found. Kirk looked like a boy who is terrified of being rejected. He might even cry if McCoy agreed. McCoy cleared his throat to change the mood.

"No, not really."

"Good. Because I had fun." Kirk responded, honestly.

McCoy smiled automatically. Inside Kirk was a little sensitive boy who couldn't grow fully. McCoy can see easily that Kirk is trying his best to hide that boy from anyone. He struggled to death to let nobody see the boy inside him. Whenever McCoy sees Kirk struggling, he couldn't help but pity him. His heart ached to see that.

"You know what? Honestly, I really had fun, too." McCoy exaggerated for Kirk.

The bright smile was slowly spreading all over Kirk's face. Sometimes, McCoy wonders how Kirk can be that cold and severe in the main bridge when he seems to have problems hiding his feelings. Kirk suddenly turned around, showing his back to McCoy so he could lay his body on McCoy's.

"Have I just promoted to a captain's personal sofa?" McCoy joked, feigning solemnity.

"Yes, you have the privilege to be my sofa." Kirk replied, also feigning some seriousness.

Kirk closed his eyes as he relied on McCoy. This seems like a real break, instead of shore leaves. His body and mind could finally rest. Kirk felt that something was missing. He grabbed both of McCoy's arms to wrap it around his own body. McCoy squeezed Kirk slightly and rested his chin on top of Kirk's head. He closed his eyes too. The sound of water vibration and the breathing of two people filled the space.

 

* * *

 

Scotty, who was drinking water alone in officers' lounge, raised his eyebrows to say hi to McCoy.

McCoy suddenly felt the urge to go out at the moment, but he also smiled tightly at Scotty before pouring himself a glass of bourbon. McCoy tried his best to stay as far away as he could from Scotty. He even turned his back so they won't see each others' faces. And that moment, Scotty was slowly walking towards McCoy which made his heart throbbing out of anxiety. When he finished his bourbon halfway through, he quickly spun on his heel to leave the place. But, there was Scotty standing right in front of him. Scotty was staring at him with this mysterious smile. A smile that is mixed with pity. McCoy pretended to be nonchalant when he is totally not. He smiled awkwardly before trying to escape the situation.

"You should tell him the truth." Scotty blurted out.

McCoy halted. And sighed. He knew Scotty would say that. Since he is past the point of escaping, he turned around to look at Scotty.

"Leonard, you should tell him. You can't hide it forever!" Scotty yelled.

McCoy remained silent, staring Scotty who is ready to fire everything he's got. However, Scotty stopped talking as just stared at McCoy who is also looking at him. After a few seconds, McCoy chuckled as he fell his head.

"After all this time? Tell him the truth?" McCoy spoke, sound a bit self-ridiculing.

It was a rhetoric question. The answer was obvious, so Scotty just waited for McCoy to go on. McCoy didn't answer persistently. His bitter smile was slowly turning into agony.

"I can't." McCoy whispered.

"Leonard, that is extremely a serious insult. Not just to our captain, but to my previous captain!" Scotty screamed out of frustration.

McCoy jumped in shock as he clamped Scotty's mouth. His heart beats like crazy.

"Shh. Shut up, Scotty!" McCoy frowned as he looked around to ensure no one is around.

Scotty stepped back hysterically.

"If you can't tell him, I can." Scotty whispered with determination.

"Well, go on and by then, I will have myself overdosed with poison from Dimorus." McCoy replied peacefully, shrugging.

"Don't you pity him? Look at him. You have the wee bit of responsibility for his violence. Your fault." Scotty swore spitefully.

"Yes, my fault." McCoy smiled, showing that there is nothing he could do.

He closed his mouth tightly and patted on Scotty's shoulder out of friendly motive.

"I will tell him. When the time comes. Just... Give me some time." McCoy spoke curtly and left.

Scotty stared at McCoy with disappointment until he is totally out of sight.

 

After giving a brief Agonizer to an officer who originally deserves 12 hours in agony booth, Kirk headed to sickbay with light steps.

Kirk had a conviction that the violence and terror are the best factors to elicit obedience and orderliness, but lately, he doesn't want to spend his time on that. He wants to save more and more time to see McCoy. That's the most important way to spend his time. He never waited for shore leaves. This time, he's dying for it. Usually, all Kirk wanted to do was bury himself in the pile of works in the main bridge, just so he could have more and more achievement. However, these days, he accomplished his achievement from somewhere else that works. He hasn't seen McCoy today. He wants to see McCoy as soon as possible so he could embrace the doctor tightly. On the way, whoever meets Kirk's eyes were met with light nod and smile from the captain. As Kirk was getting nearer to the sickbay, he could hear people talking inside the sick bay. Probably, the nurses and some patients. Kirk didn't really care about it. He just had to see McCoy. His business is clear and simple. Nevertheless, when he heard his and McCoy's name, he stopped automatically.

"Where is Doctor McCoy? Is he avoiding the captain?" A man asks, trying to bear his laughter.

"No, he's resting for the moment. But, well, no surprise if he's hiding from the captain. You know, captain's been like a sick puppy, following the doctor all the day." A nurse replies with a high-pitched chuckle.

"It's so obvious that the doctor pities the captain. Did you see how he looks at the captain? It's like, he's staring at some abandoned kid." Another voice interrupted.

"I wouldn't bear that look if I were the captain. I don't want to fuck somebody who pities me."

"That's what we call a mercy fuck."

"So pathetic."

A few people laughed and talked inside the sick bay, while Kirk was reclining against the nearest wall, staring at the floor blankly. That is not true. McCoy told him hundreds of times. That he liked Kirk. They don't know it. They know nothing about Kirk and McCoy. Kirk saw their faces, he could send them to agony booth later. The reason would be... Disobedience against the captain. And, when they are writhing inside the agony booth, Kirk is going to show them. How much McCoy loves him. To eliminate any potential rumors as such. Of course, before that, Kirk has to be sure. Kirk was sure that McCoy loves him, but... It doesn't hurt to check twice.

Kirk had to quickly return to his quarters. This is not the reason he kept this, but more like, this could come in handy in the future. The flowers that grow exclusively in Omicron Ceti III. There is nothing better to make somebody spill the truth, than this. Kirk carefully snapped a flower from the vase, trying not to inhale anything from it. He wrapped it around the towel with extra care and exited the room. Bringing that flower to sickbay, unnoticed, was one of the most difficult things to do. When he was entering the sick bay, he made noise intentionally as the nurses and patients quickly spread far from each other. One of the nurses told Kirk that McCoy was resting in his personal office, although Kirk didn't even ask. Kirk thanked the nurse mildly and entered the office gingerly.

Beyond this door is McCoy, whom Kirk wanted to see, so much. And, he will know the truth. That he loves Kirk. Kirk might just let everyone see him when he is confessing. Kirk knocked the door and entered the room tentatively and McCoy greeted him with a friendly smile, standing up from the chair. When he saw the doctor's smile, Kirk briefly believed that maybe this truth-telling plant is unnecessary, but he is a person who has to double check. He has to make sure or he just can't live with it. When McCoy came closer, Kirk couldn't help but to squeeze him real tight. McCoy patted on captain's back as well, telling him that he missed Kirk.

"You must have been busy, captain. This is your first visit today." McCoy joked, raising a brow.

Kirk, in silence, stares at McCoy. McCoy waits, patiently for Kirk to say anything.

"Did you turn mute?" McCoy asks, skeptically.

Kirk was still silent. McCoy noticed that something odd was going on. He quickly grabbed his tricorder to check the captain. And, that is when Kirk held out the flower to McCoy. McCoy studied the flower and then Kirk's face.

"Is this for me?" McCoy huffed out a laugh.

Sometimes, Kirk behaves like a boy that makes McCoy smile. McCoy takes the flower. When he brings the flower near to his nose to enjoy the scent, the flower suddenly spewed white powder. McCoy coughed as he faltered.

"Kirk, this is not funny! What did you give me?" McCoy inquired hysterically as he waved his hand to sparse the powder. Kirk grabbed faltering doctor by the shoulders.

"It's not fatal."

"Wow, I am so relieved. Thank you, captain. Thank you so much." McCoy grunted.

"Tell me, Bones. Do you love me?" Kirk inquired, his eyes glaring with mixed feelings, mostly anxiety.

"What? What the hell are you talking about, Jim?"

"Just tell me." Kirk inquires again impatiently.

McCoy can tell something really odd was going on, as he studied the captain's face. There was this desperation from Kirk's face. The desperation that resembled a kid who has been crying all day. Kirk was desperately waiting for McCoy to answer.

Please.

"You don't...?" Kirk asks, his voice trailing off.

"Jim..."

"Do you pity me?" Kirk asks again, under gritted teeth.

A part of McCoy's heart started to crumble. Instead, he checked the flower he dropped and realized that the flower is from one of the colonies of the federation. Any human inhaling that pollen has no choice but to tell truths. Shit. McCoy bit his lower lip as he screwed shut his eyes.

"Tell me, Bones. Do you pity me? Answer me!" Kirk screamed.

Kirk's voice was shaking. Anyone can tell that he's hurt. He's hurt badly. McCoy, his lips and hands shaking, grabbed Kirk's hands slowly and carefully, squeezing his shoulders.

"I do." McCoy's answer was almost like a whisper.

It was Kirk's heart that crumbled, this time. Something was stuck in his windpipe. He could neither breathe nor speak. Instinctively, he tried his more than best to now show any of his true feelings. He just stared at the doctor coldly.

"All this time... You've pitied me, haven't you? Even when we had sex...?" Kirk asked again, trying to grasp on anything, even a small piece of hope.

McCoy just nodded which crushed every little hope Kirk was trying to have. Somebody or something must be trying to explode his heart by squeezing. Kirk tried to speak something, but there was no sound. He didn't know what to do or say, so he just let McCoy go. McCoy quickly tried to grab Kirk's hands, out of desperation but Kirk slapped it away.

"So, when I hug you, kiss you or make love to you, it was _just me_ hugging you, kissing you and making love to you. While you were just pitying me." Kirk murmured as if talking to himself.

"Jim, wait, but I do like you." McCoy quickly added, grabbing Kirk's arms again.

"And, you pity me." Kirk responded, frigidly.

"What's so wrong about pity? Maybe that could be another shape of love!" McCoy yelled, desperately.

Even though Kirk was trying his best to hide his true feelings, McCoy can see that Kirk is hurt badly. The wounds, the sadness were so obviously etched on that boy-like face. He can understand Kirk, but he wanted to let Kirk know how he really feels. But, Kirk seemed to have lost the capability of listening or seeing, for the moment. There was only one thing he wanted to check again.

"So, do you love me? Do you feel like touching and kissing me?" Kirk asked again, his face truly nonchalant this time.

McCoy couldn't answer right away. He just stared at Kirk speechless. Kirk waited patiently. But, McCoy didn't answer until the end.

"I..." McCoy tried to speak something.

But, Kirk was already exiting the room, pushing McCoy with all his strength. McCoy fell on the floor when Kirk was out. McCoy called Kirk, but Kirk heard nothing. Kirk stomped on the floor as he exited and on the way, he stabbed the thigh of an officer who was talking about Kirk awhile ago. The nurse screamed in shock and the officer groaned in pain, but Kirk still heard nothing. There was thing piercing ringing sound in his ears that blocked every sound. McCoy ran quickly towards the officer to check the wounds and stopped the bleeding. Kirk was standing across the bed, staring at McCoy in the unreadable face. McCoy couldn't do anything but to look at Kirk precipitously, holding the officer's wound. Kirk waited a bit more and then lowered his stares before leaving the sick bay. The nurse, then, came closer the McCoy to attend to the wound and McCoy could let it go finally. He instructed the nurse as to what she should do and then returned to his office. He fell on the chair and thought of Kirk. When he tries to imagine how wounded and disappointed Kirk would be by now, he couldn't do anything as his heart was crumbling to ashes. McCoy buried his face into his hands.

 

* * *

 

The sweet peace in USS Enterprise was destroyed very shortly.

Captain was back to normal and he proved it by sending 8 officers to agony booth in last three days. Once, the agonizer was broken after keeping it dialed to max level for a couple of minutes and the Captain kindly threw the agonizer away to stab the officer's shoulder with his dagger. Now, no one made any mistakes. From the performance perspective, everything was nothing short of perfection, but in mental-wise, people are now pushed to the edge, under tremendous stress. However, Captain didn't really care about the sick bay. Well, he didn't have to, originally. But, it was pretty obvious that he was disregarding the sick bay particularly. When Kirk encounters McCoy, he just nodded mildly and so did McCoy. Whenever McCoy has to talk to Kirk, Kirk made sure that the conversation would be as brief as it can be. McCoy waited for Kirk to change his mind, but he doesn't know what Kirk is going through. He'll never know how agonizing it is, for Kirk to ignore McCoy. Kirk was also at a loss how to handle McCoy. His desire to touch McCoy and the rationality to ignore him collide to one another violently whenever he sees McCoy. McCoy elicited an ironic impulse from Kirk, that he wanted to forcibly push McCoy to the brink and ran to the bottom desperately to catch McCoy again. He wanted to torture McCoy with agonizer while suffocating him with uncountable kisses.

Kirk, himself, couldn't find the answers as to why and how he could feel two extremely opposite feelings at once, towards one person. Therefore, he had no choice but to remain in his neutral zone whenever McCoy is nearby. However, he knows that he can't take this long enough. He won't be able to suppress these feelings, possibly, in the near future. He was not confident, either. Moreover, he can't even sleep lately. He just stares at the side of the bed where McCoy used to be sleeping. He stays up all night, caressing that side as if that side was McCoy. Kirk used to have difficulty sleeping whenever there is anyone around him. He could only sleep when he made sure that there is nobody around him. Since Academy, innumerable people came to slit his throat in his sleep, mostly out of jealousy. Roommates, friends, colleagues, lovers... Many people tried so. Now, he can sleep in, probably, the safest place that is murder-free. This is something he has been longing for a long time. But, he just can't fall asleep. He wanted to see McCoy. He missed McCoy. He wanted to touch the doctor. He wanted to have McCoy beside him. But, that is not going to happen. That will never happen.

 

* * *

 

McCoy is back to his quarters.

He has been pretty busy all day and now his body was slowly relaxing at the idea of finally resting. He sat on the edge of the bed, planning to soak himself into bathtub with a glass of bourbon. Kirk never visited the sick bay since then. He thought of visiting the main bridge for reporting, but it might make the situation more awkward, so he stayed put. Maybe, leaving things as it is now could be the best for the two of them. McCoy thought that it is more 'appropriate' for them to keep their relationship just like now. McCoy exhales long as he buried his face into his hands. He has no idea what to do with Kirk. He could always embrace and touch the wounds of Kirk. He was willing to do so. But, Kirk wanted more than what McCoy could give. McCoy couldn't give further. Because, to him, Kirk is......

_So, do you love me? Do you feel like touching and kissing me?_

McCoy writhed in pain, by recalling that day. He could confidently say yes to the former question. He can say it hundreds of times. Kirk will never know how much he loves Kirk. Nevertheless, for the latter question, McCoy has no other choice but to say no. There may be different shapes of love, but the shapes of love they have for each other were a way too different. Maybe, McCoy could be held liable for Kirk having the different shape of love.

McCoy swallowed dryly as he approached a table to pour himself a glass of bourbon. With a glass of bourbon in his hand, he slowly strode towards the bathroom. He turned the light on in the bathroom, brought the towel out of the cabinet and went outside to get new clothes. He opened the drawer to collect his undie and pajama and suddenly the light was gone. A huge creature appeared out of nowhere. McCoy screamed and fell back on his bottom. His heart raced like crazy while his eyes quickly scanned the room to identify the unknown creature.

"Captain?" McCoy asked, his heart still beating.

There was Kirk in front of him, standing against the light. His face had no expression as he was staring at McCoy. Captain can always override any code within the ship, but to barge into officer's quarters was never the purpose. McCoy slowly relaxed after he identified that it was captain, not some alien creature. There was unreadable indifference etched on his face. However, his eyes were full of loneliness. McCoy stood up and unconsciously held his hand out to touch Kirk's face.

"Jim..." McCoy murmured as a smile started to spread on his face.

Kirk slapped McCoy's hand away which made McCoy flinch as his smile was gone right away. Kirk took a step forward to get nearer to McCoy. The distance was getting dangerously close as McCoy started to stagger backward until his back touched the dead end. Kirk maintained the distance as he looked into McCoy's eyes. McCoy felt that Kirk was trying to read him.

"That look," Kirk narrowed his eyes. "Now, I understand that look. I never had that look from people before. It has always been hatred, nervousness, indifference, fake or... Murder. But your look, doctor, I assure you, I never had that look from people. I almost believed that your look is maybe... Love. Affection. But, now I know. It's just... Pity." Kirk grinned.

McCoy watched Kirk in silence, swallowing tightly. He wanted to tell Kirk that it is not true. He wanted to tell Kirk that what he believed from the beginning was the truth and the feeling he has now is incorrect, but he couldn't move his lips an inch. There was no voice coming out, either. Kirk huffed out a laugh as he fell his head down. He stayed like that. McCoy slowly and carefully lifted his hand to touch Kirk's head. And, he caressed it very carefully.

"Jim. You don't understand. We can't... I mean, we shouldn't..." McCoy's heart was beating faster than a few minutes ago.

"Shut up! Shut the fuck up!" Kirk started to scream suddenly as he back-handed the doctor.

Out of blue, Kirk went berserk and McCoy couldn't think properly at the moment, because of the slap's impact. Kirk grabbed McCoy's neck to stand him up properly just so he could throw another punch to his face.

"Tell me, doctor, do you still pity me?" Kirk hissed as he laughed hysterically.

Before McCoy says anything, Kirk threw another punch, making McCoy's head fell back. He couldn't breathe through one nostril. It must be broken. Or maybe the blood clogged it. Kirk threw the powerless doctor on the ground and kicked his abdomen mercilessly. McCoy snatched the captain's leg desperately, sensing the danger as Kirk continued to kick him. He supported his body with one shaking hand to sit straight as the blood from his face was dripping to the floor.

"Just like your father..." McCoy chuckled like a crazy man, out of nowhere.

Kirk doesn't seem to hear any of it, as he knelt with one knee to tug McCoy's neck.

"Pity me. Come on, pity me." Kirk warned, his pupils widening out of madness.

Kirk scanned the wounded man's face. McCoy's face was a mess but his eyes never showed a hint of anger. Just as Kirk ordered, McCoy must be pitying him at this very moment. The way he stared at Kirk was nothing but compassion. Kirk felt desperate. His hope fell down to the endless pit. He wanted to cry but instead, he laughed hysterically. His sinister laughter filled the room, but his eyes were about to drop tears.

_Why can't you love me back?_

Kirk wanted to scream at the face, full of compassion.

"I didn't need truth pollen, after all. Whatever you feel, it's written all over your face. You don't know how to lie. You can't lie. You can't pretend." Kirk whispered under gritted teeth.

"Oh, well, You will be shocked. I'm a fantastic liar. You wouldn't believe." McCoy murmured powerlessly.

The smile was fading away from Kirk's face. His face has started to contort in pain.

"Then, why didn't you lie? Why couldn't you?" Kirk wept.

McCoy felt some part of his heart crumbling down. Automatically, he lifted his hand to cup Kirk's cheek. He can see that Kirk was trying his best to hide. He can see beyond what Kirk was showing.

"And yet, you still pity me," Kirk spoke, staring down. "So what, anyway. I can still have you. And, you'll still pity me." Kirk shrugged as he pushed McCoy by the chest, his eyes suddenly turned cold as if he's on the bridge.

McCoy fell on his bottom as a lungful of air huffed out. Kirk approached McCoy before he realized what was happening. Kirk pulled the doctor's pants down and turned his body around smoothly. McCoy hit the floor with his chin and the hit made his brain vibrating. Captain kicked McCoy's each foot to spread the doctor's legs wider to settle himself down between the legs. McCoy could hear captain unzipping his pants. Kirk spat on his hand to wet the tip of his enlarging cock before spreading McCoy's butt cheeks. He placed one hand beside the doctor's head to support himself and lined his cock to the tight hole, settling himself comfortably between the doctor's legs. He held his cock with another free hand to shove it into the puckered hole accurately and when the tip of his cock met the closed muscular ring, he simply ignored the resistance to fully sheath himself into the heating flesh. When Kirk's cock head was buried slightly, he quickly placed his both hands on the floor to move freely. McCoy started to shake as he groaned out of pain. His powerless arms slowly moved above his head, clawing on the floor unnecessarily. Whenever Kirk moves, McCoy's body bucked along to that rhythm. He was grounding his chin on the floor and the friction was scratching his flesh slowly. Kirk didn't speak at all as he concentrated on the activity. The room was filled with the sound of flesh hitting against the flesh and the panting of Kirk and McCoy. Soon enough, the sound of water flowing from the bathtub joined the harmony. McCoy spewed a lungful of breath as he looked up to check the origin of the sound. The bathtub was overflowing now as the water was flowing all over the floor. McCoy blankly felt obliged to turn off the water before blackout.

After a few minutes that seemed like a few seconds of blackout, Kirk was already finished as he had spilled his seeds inside McCoy, grabbing the smooth brown hair tightly.

After Kirk withdrew, he spruced himself up as he observed McCoy, still sprawled on the floor. He stared at the body on the floor quite a long time. Kirk wanted to say or do something, but he considered it all so useless, so he decided to just leave as quickly as possible. McCoy, on the other hand, didn't move for a few more seconds after Kirk left. Every spot Kirk touched was hot and painful. It's like, the nerves are drumming under the skin. McCoy slowly landed his palms on the floor to lift his body. There was grunting sound escaping from the doctor's mouth. He barely made it to sit askew. When he finally had sat straight, the smooth and still hot cum dripped along his inner thigh. He stood up, still slightly shaking. He inhaled deeply. He slowly took off his pants and underwear that had been hanging around his knees as he staggered towards the bathroom. He took off the last piece of clothes on his body before turning off the water. The bathroom was flooding with the hot water. McCoy straightened his waist to look at the foggy mirror. He, then, wiped the vapor off the mirror with his bloody hand and his hand left the trail of blood on the mirror. Slowly, he could see his bloody face on the bloody mirror. So pathetic. McCoy thought. He exhaled long before trying his best to put his foot into the bathtub. He tried his best not to trip over as he set another foot inside the bathtub. He slowly settled down into the hot water. The temperature of water embraced his fatigued body and stung his wounds simultaneously. The water overflew as his body was fully inside the tub and slowly the water was turning crimson. The blood from his rectum and wounds were seeping into the water. McCoy uselessly waved his hands inside the water to make it go away. The blood remained still. Instead, he laid his head back and closed his eyes. His body hurt everywhere that he felt difficulty breathing. The only thing he could think of, at that moment, was to take a rest for a long, long time.

 

* * *

 

The captain of US Enterprise has the ability to find options that are fastest, the most efficient and that has less impact on other matters.

He is the master of dominating the crews with cheer and also terror, while he never falters with it. He knows how to stay calm and not get emotional in order to pursue the benefits of the Federation. Although his current mission, the discovery of a new Class M planet, is very boring and peaceful, everyone believed that he will someday lead the war with Klingon and bring victory to humanoids. Kirk knew it too. So, he wanted to finish this boring mission as fast as he could. He brought his favorite crews; Spock, Chekov, and other trustworthy security guards, in order to explore this planet. From sickbay, McCoy and M'Benga were beamed down together and as to custom, the CMO jointed the captain's group. Both of them behaved like nothing happened and Spock couldn't care less about the affairs between his captain and the CMO, as long as the mission was carried on. The exploration went on for half an hour and there was nothing suspicious. Still, Kirk didn't lower his guard easily. He learned it by experience to never let his guard down. There were incidents where his crews were killed at the most unexpected moment by some native creatures or by some poisonous plants. Kirk made more than perfectly sure that everything was really okay. Spock and McCoy did their own exploration too. Their tricorders were calm as they walked on. Kirk scanned McCoy from time to time, but apparently, McCoy was deeply into the tricorder. Kirk also tried his best to just concentrate on his mission as he brought out his comm.

"Spock to Enterprise."

-"Enterprise, captain." Uhura's calm voice chimed.

"Prepare to beam up the landing party in 10."

-"Yes, captain. But, for your information, we have located one shuttlecraft and they have beamed down about 20 people. Have you had the chance to encounter them?"

"No, I haven't. Have you identified them?"

-"Negative. We are trying."

"Inform me if you do. Kirk out."

Kirk keens his hearing sense extra sensitively in case there is any incoming threat. Since there are some unidentified creatures, according to Uhura, he has to take extra care. It would be okay if the creatures are from allied planets, but Kirk can't tell until he makes sure.

"Mr. Spock. Doctor. Set your phasers to stun. We have unidentified visitors." Kirk murmurs in a low voice.

Spock and McCoy exchanged their stares. Spock brought his phaser out carefully, while McCoy did it nervously. Kirk led Spock and McCoy to the teleport spot and decided not to care about it since they were about to leave. The two securities approached as well, with the phasers out. When Kirk was scanning around the place, the comm rang again.

"Yes, Uhura."

-"Captain, we have identified another landing party. They are Klingons. Please come back to the teleport spot quickly, I will alert another party." Uhura explained impatiently, losing her coolness uncharacteristically.

"Captain, get down!" A Security yelled.

Kirk crouched automatically and the explosive sound followed.

-"Captain!" Uhura yelled through the comm.

"Uhura, prepare to beam up the landing party in 5. In case, you do not hear from me within 10,"

"Another incoming!"

Another bombing sound filled the place. The only difference this time was that the explosive had blown everything away, including Kirk and the rest of the crews. The comm in Kirk's hand was blown to another place while Kirk's body flew midair and hit the rock as he fell. His ears were ringing. His back must be bruising now. His grip around the phaser tightened as he staggered to stand up. Kirk quickly scanned the people around. A security was writhing on the ground, his head bleeding. Spock and McCoy were also slowly standing up, still recovering from the impact. Spock brushed the dust off from his clothes, while McCoy ran hurriedly to scan captain, using tricorder. Kirk slapped the doctor's hand away, finding it annoying.

"I'm fine, doctor."

"We need to go back. Right now. Captain, do you hear me? It's Klingons." McCoy spoke impatiently.

"I do agree with the doctor, captain." Spock agreed quickly as he approached closer.

Kirk agreed as well. It was the most logical choice. He had to bring everyone back to the Enterprise and figure out what is going on. Nevertheless, he didn't want to agree with the doctor. He wanted to let out his anger. He needed to. He could torture or murder some Klingons on the way and he could say it was for self-defense. Kirk observed McCoy's eyes. McCoy was worrying to death, obviously. Those eyes. No one looked at Kirk that way. Especially, a CMO? Never. No one looked at Kirk as if he is a fragile boy who requires protection.

"We need to find out what they are here for." Kirk ordered as he moved his eyes to Spock from McCoy.

"But, captain, we are outnumbered," As usual, Spock suggested the logical statement.

"Are you against captain's order?" Kirk chuckled, pretending that he couldn't believe what is happening.

Spock to show that he is not against the captain's order. McCoy, on the other hand, found it unbelievable as he stepped forward.

"Are you out of your mind? We just lost one security! Have you got some death wish?" McCoy yelled out of fury.

"Doctor, go back to the Enterprise and standby. I only need Mr. Spock." Kirk walked to the bomb's direction as he simply ignored the doctor.

Spock tried to process the situation logically, but soon he followed captain. McCoy didn't move an inch from his place as he huffed a laugh.

"Jim, wait," McCoy quickly ran to grab Kirk's arm.

Kirk turned around quickly to shrug off McCoy's grip before throwing a decent punch to McCoy's face. The punch hit the center of McCoy's face that made him fell on the ground.

"I said, join the other team. It's a direct order." Kirk warned, glaring at the doctor with murderous intent.

McCoy didn't give up easily as he glared back as well, but Kirk totally ignored his CMO as he turned around to walk with Spock. McCoy stood up to brush the dust off his pants, his eyes still lingering on the captain. He was deeply concerned, but soon he turned around to join the rest of the team. Kirk dialed his phaser to kill as he heard McCoy's steps getting farther away and silently crept towards the direction where he heard the explosives. The science officer presumed the possible place where the explosives took place and when they arrived at the place, they could really see some footprints that were larger than average human's. Kirk sensed another presence approaching them, so he signed Spock to crouch and moved on. His fury has been stacked enough to crush some Klingon skulls and disembowel them. Of course, it is not easy to do that against the belligerent race, though Kirk had the weapon stronger than that of Klingon's. Besides, Kirk couldn't help but constantly think of the way McCoy looked him which infuriated him even more. Nobody ever has looked at him that way, let alone CMO. How dare a mere CMO throw that kind of pity? Kirk's jaw clenched. His fury was getting out of control and he really needed to let it out to some Klingons, or else he might go crazy.

"Captain." Spock whispered carefully.

Spock pointed 1'o clock direction and when Kirk followed it, there was a small shuttlecraft. Two Klingons were getting out of the shuttle. Before Spock could say anything, Kirk darted out to shoot phaser to one of the Klingons and pointed another one before Klingon brought his weapon out. The Klingon raised his hands in the air as he looked at Kirk. Kirk strode in elation. The two men exchanged their own murderous intents.

"Tera 'lod." Klingon growled in a harsh voice.

"I guess we'll need linguist's help, Spock." Kirk chuckled.

"Earthman." Klingon spoke again.

"Oh, you speak our language? Good. Why did you attack us?" Kirk asked straightforward.

Klingon sucked in a breath and glared at Kirk silently. And then, he began to scream in Klingon. He seemed furious. His hands' gesture was getting bigger as he spoke, but it didn't show any hint of attacking. Anyway, Kirk is the one with his phaser pointed at the Klingon.

"We not attack! You kill Klingon. Not Klingon kill earth man!" Klingon squawked.

Kirk chuckled at Klingon squawking in madness. He doesn't seem to speak English well and Kirk felt that he could torture this creature until his fury is all gone.

"You threw explosives at us." Kirk reminded the Klingon to make sure that the fault lies with them.

Klingon yelled again in Klingon. This time, it was quite long, so Kirk dialed his phaser to stun, considering that it is no use to hear it all when he can't understand anything. Klingon continued to scream and Kirk approached closer, letting the Klingon say whatever he wanted.

"Captain!" Spock yelled impatiently which is very unlike of him.

Kirk turned around to check with Spock and suddenly there was a strong impact on his face which made him see stars. He tried to focus to look again and there were about six Klingons in front of him. The tallest Klingon just threw a punch at him and Spock was already restrained by Klingons.

Shit.

Kirk swore under his breath. Maybe the Klingon was screaming to talk to his colleagues about what happened. A Klingon who is much taller than Kirk moved behind him to fix his arms with strings, while a Klingon that seemed like a leader came closer to Kirk. The Klingon scanned the earth man calmly for a second and then he began to speak. Another Klingon beside him kindly translated the words into English.

"Why you kill one of us?" Klingon asked.

"What? You threw explosives at us." Kirk replied, apparently finding it hard to believe that the Klingon asked such a question.

"This place is where we test our new weapons. This planet is no one's. You killed one of us."

"You don't scan the planet before you land? You guys were pretty reckless throwing explosives anywhere."

"No one come here. Never. We no scan. This is technically ours. We test our new weapons. You killed one of us." Klingon repeated like a machine.

Kirk laughed at this unexpected situation. The Klingon didn't find it as pleasant as Kirk did, so instead, he threw a punch to Kirk's abdomen which impeded his respiratory system. He coughed after a few seconds. It wasn't that strong punch, but the power was obviously inhumane. If the Klingon decided to punch him with full power, he could have been killed.

"yIDIl bImejnIS." Klingon growled.

"What's he saying?" Kirk asked, still coughing.

"Within the limited extent of my knowledge, captain, I can only assume that he just said 'you need to pay'." Spock translated in his usual calmness.

Oh great.

Kirk rolled his eyes and sighed.

"So, what do you want? My arm? My eyeball?" Kirk asked hysterically.

Kirk suddenly remembered a man using a synthetic eyeball after losing one. It wasn't that bad. Better sight, better focus and it even had the ability to zoom in and out.

Klingons exchanged their stares and silently spoke to each other as if Kirk could understand. After a few words, they nodded, obviously in accordance. The Klingon that seemed like a leader looked into Kirk's eyes and simply said 'SoH'. Kirk was not a linguist, but he knew what SoH means. So, he decided to double check if what he understood is correct.

"What do you mean 'you'?" Kirk asked skeptically.

"We want you. With the seven of us. And then, we will let you and your friends go free. We will not wage any war against you for murdering one of us." The Klingon grinned.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Kirk's heart started to throb in a feeling he is not so used to. Can he call it fear?

"We traveled for so long. We love human flesh. So soft. So flexible. One time for each of us will do." Klingon licked his lips.

Kirk turned his head to check Spock briefly. Spock was also at a loss. He was trying his best to process the situation to propose the most logical and safest alternative, but the Klingons couldn't wait. Kirk was starting to hyperventilate out of fear and the fear was slowly numbing his rationality.

"Fuck off." Kirk warned, biting his lower lip.

Klingon made the first move and Kirk started to panic as he thrashed violently while strained. He began to kick anyone coming closer. The Klingons were off-guarded, so they were kicked back but soon they stopped Kirk again. Kirk did his best to get out of that grip, but the grip was inhumanly strong. A Klingon pulled his dagger out and without hesitation, he tried to stab Kirk's face. Kirk barely escaped. However, the dagger sliced his temple down to the chin. While Kirk was panicking, he could still feel the burning pain. The Klingon leader was suddenly in front of Kirk's face and he spoke something in his language before landing a massive punch on Kirk's temple. There must be an earthquake. Or is it just his brain? Kirk's focus was blurry and he could also feel his consciousness getting darker. Spock was calling him in worried face. It was so unlike of him. Kirk knew he shouldn't black out, but the unconsciousness was dominating him quickly. This must be how McCoy felt whenever he punched him. When his last attempt to cling on to the consciousness was almost gone, he saw McCoy running towards him with the desperation of a madman. He ran with superhuman speed as he pushed away all the Klingons with his body to check Kirk. Kirk heard McCoy's voice, filled with worry and concern.

_Jim._

_Open your eyes._

_Jim._

_I'm here, I got you._

_I will protect you... I won't lose you again..._

McCoy's eyes were filled with pity which angered Kirk, but before he could yell at him, he was unconscious.

 

When Kirk regained consciousness slowly, he sensed the uncomfortable pillow, first.

Next thing he sensed is that the place he's lying on is pretty cold, damp and stiff. The last thing he sensed is that he was surrounded by the Klingons.

We want you.

Kirk shot up from his place to sit straight. He looked around quickly and he found nothing but the shuttlecraft and Spock who is staring at him. There was a pile of hay as a pillow.

"What... How long was I out, Spock?"

"38 minutes, captain. The doctor confirmed that you are fine." Spock replied.

"Doctor?"

"Yes, captain. Apparently, Doctor McCoy disobeyed your order and followed us all along."

Kirk looked around to observe the environment more thoroughly. There was neither Klingon nor McCoy to be found.

"Where is the doctor and the Klingons?" Kirk asked, almost murmuring, feeling the terror still inside him.

"After Doctor McCoy scanned your status, he volunteered himself to the Klingons' request. He strongly appealed to the Klingons that it is a wiser choice for them to take him instead of you. If I may, captain, doctor McCoy seemed... ..desperate." Spock cited.

Kirk merely looked at Spock, unable to understand what he just heard. Spock looked back either. At that moment, there was some footstep sound afar. Kirk turned his head around to see where the sound is coming from and he saw the Klingons diligently heading to the shuttlecraft. When Kirk observed the group carefully, he found McCoy whose wrists are bound in the chain while walking together with the Klingons. His face was like he was heading to a guillotine. Kirk's mouth parted open, trying to say something. That moment, McCoy found Kirk. His face was suddenly brightened.

"Jim, you're awake!" McCoy yelled in joy.

McCoy was looking at him as he walked on and a Klingon behind pushed him quite roughly into the shuttlecraft. A Klingon in front pulled the chain aggressively and McCoy swayed forward. Until McCoy was totally gone into the shuttlecraft, he was smiling at Kirk. Kirk saw some sadness in that smile. When everyone was aboard, the shuttlecraft door was shut, in order to take off. When the shuttlecraft was slowly floating, Kirk realized what was happening. He started to run towards the shuttlecraft like a mad man.

"No! Bones, no! Come back!" Kirk screamed, panicking even more.

Shuttlecraft was already into the sky and although Kirk was screaming like a mad man, there is nothing he could change. McCoy was gone with the Klingons. Kirk couldn't do anything but just stare at it. His legs couldn't support him as he just knelt on the ground. His shoulders drooped as well as his spirit. Kirk sighed and just looked at it.

"Captain, I suggest we go back to the Enterprise and standby. The Klingons promised us that they would contact us once they are done with... ..doctor McCoy." Spock suggested the logical and realistic option, nonchalantly.

Kirk fell his head. What Spock just said was all correct. There is nothing he could do but to stand by in the Enterprise. While the Klingons were violating McCoy, all Kirk would do is just to sit back, hoping that McCoy could remain sane. Funny thing is that all of this happened, just because Kirk had it coming. Kirk chuckled silently.

 

Kirk remained silence after he came back to the Enterprise.

As time passed by, Kirk remained silent and calm. 3 hours after he came back, he began to fidget in his place. People wondered as to why he was behaving so since they had no idea. Only Kirk and Spock knew what happened. Kirk just told them that McCoy would be working on some matter with the Klingons and that he'd come back once it is done. Now, Kirk has to do his best not to go insane.

Kirk really did his best to maintain his composure as he remained in the captain's chair. Of course, inside his head was full of stuff that is not work-related. His brain was collecting all the past memory that was related to Klingon. Since Academy, he learned the anatomy, culture, history, and language of Klingon. He was familiar with them because he encountered quite many of them in diplomatic events. Klingon's anatomy was very different from that of human's. They had 3 lungs and a heart with 8 atriums, which obviously tells that their stamina is much more superior than human's. Moreover, their skin was hard and stiff unlike human's. If Klingon body collides with human's, human's body will be wounded while Klingon's is intact. Basically, humans have a hard time getting along with Klingons. There are half Klingon humans but it is rare. Physical contact with Klingon is nothing but pain unless they really do love each other. And now, McCoy is handling several Klingons without any love.

Kirk's heart started to beat madly as his fingertips began to shake. He told Uhura that he needed to be away for a while, so he could leave the place at once. When he entered the turbo lift, he fell down, hyperventilating and sweating cold sweats. When the door was open, Kirk stood up straight and continued his masquerade as a captain. He nodded slightly to people who greeted him. He did his best to remain calm, although his shaking didn't stop that easily. He couldn't really remember how many people he encountered and whom he said hi to. All he knew was that he was finally inside his quarter. He waited until the door was closed. When it did, he staggered towards the bed, struggling to get up on it. When he barely made it, he crouched, making his body round to stop the shaking. He placed his hand on his heart, trying to calm it. When he lifted his hand, he saw it shaking pathetically. He remembered McCoy shaking when he was forcibly taking him inside the office. His body and legs were all shaking. He couldn't see the entire face of McCoy, but he knew that McCoy's face was somewhat in pain and somewhat aloof as if he could take it. Now, Kirk has no idea how McCoy's face is.

Kirk turned around and looked at the place where McCoy used to be. He stretched his hand to touch that place. Like McCoy was there. He caressed the bed sheet.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, doctor." Kirk murmured.

Kirk doesn't really apologize in his life.

"I miss you. Come back." Kirk continued to murmur.

Kirk slowly and constantly touched the place, feeling his shaking stopped. There was a silent drop of tears in his eye.

 

"Captain, Klingons are sending doctor McCoy now. Because according to them... ...they assume that doctor McCoy cannot... Take it?" Uhura relayed the message, obviously skeptical of what she just understood.

Kirk's heart started to throb.

"Prepare to beam McCoy up." Kirk answered right away.

"Yes, captain. Doctor McCoy is on the way. And... Klingons recommended that the medical staff should be ready." Uhura continued to translate the message, her face getting more puzzled.

Kirk gritted his teeth. He knew that McCoy would be injured somehow. Kirk ordered Uhura to send the medical staff to be ready at the transporter room and Kirk remained still, still contemplating to go or not. As a captain, keeping his post in the main bridge is more important than seeing the CMO. He gripped the armrest until his knuckles turned white. Spock observed Kirk from afar and soon, he turned around to attend to his duty. Kirk did his best to remain still in his chair. The medical staff would be taking good care of McCoy and everything will be okay. There is nothing more Kirk should do as a captain. He swallowed dryly. He fidgeted in his chair, trying to focus on anything. It won't be too late for him to visit McCoy after he is treated. Kirk was very sure that he did his best to remain in his chair, but when he realized, he was already shot up from the chair to run to the turbo lift. He barely left a message that Spock is in command. He couldn't stop himself from biting his nails hysterically until the turbo lift door was open. He ran when there was no one around, but he had to walk with dignity when there was somebody near him. He saw the transporter room and he couldn't stop his pace.

Kirk walked as fast as he could until he saw the nurse and M'Benga coming out of the room, obviously perplexed. One of the nurses shouted to clear the path to go on, while M'Benga and another nurse quickly dragged something. Kirk attached himself to the wall to make way and he could see what M'Benga was dragging. It was McCoy, face all bloody, obviously unconscious. There was a patch on his left eye and a respirator covering his mouth and nose.

"He's in shock." One of the nurses spoke, trying her best to stay calm.

"The bleeding is internal and it has been pretty long. We need to stop it quickly." M'Benga stated professionally.

The medical staff moved amazingly fast and all Kirk could do was just staring at them. The injury was somehow more than Kirk had expected. One nurse was restlessly scanning McCoy with tricorder as she stated all the symptoms she found. Kirk was almost rooted to the floor, but soon he realized that he had to follow them. His legs were slowly losing strength. He followed the nurses as they moved McCoy to biobed and hyposprayed the doctor at the same time.

"He's lost 3 teeth. Severe abdominal trauma including spleen, liver, and pancreas. Left wrist broken. Almost every nail is damaged and the right index fingernail is removed. What the hell happened?" A nurse cursed nervously.

"Keep quiet and do your job." M'Benga tried his best to sound professional, which he was slowly failing.

"Sir, 70% of his rectum is damaged. I don't... I don't understand."

"It's not the time to understand, nurse."

Kirk couldn't listen to their conversation any longer as he staggered. He had to rest his body on the wall.

"Sir, the hypospray doesn't seem to work. The patient is not regaining consciousness."

"Then, do it again. Double the dose." M'Benga yelled, finally losing his calmness.

The medical staff couldn't care about the captain's presence when their boss is dying in front of them. Kirk walked to the opposite side, still tipsy from the shock. Their voices were getting farther away and soon, Kirk couldn't hear them any longer at all. He doesn't remember how he could get to his quarter. He didn't do anything inside the quarter for several minutes. He just rested on the wall, silently.

He stared down, his face expressionless. He was standing there like that and suddenly, he ran to the toilet to empty his stomach. His stomach cramp kicked in. When the stomach didn't have anything else to give, it began to throw gastric juice up. Kirk felt his throat and chest burning. After he vomited everything, he barely washed his mouth and lips with his shaking hands. He grabbed the towel to dry his face and just sat down on the floor since his body couldn't stay straight. His chest was so tight, he couldn't breathe well. He embraced himself to stop the shaking, but it didn't help at all. Instead, he burst into tears. He lowered his head and started to cry like a kid. There was this acute pain coming from the deep part of his heart. The pain that is more painful than the stomach cramp was paralyzing Kirk's heart. Kirk didn't mind himself crying helplessly like a kid as he rested his head on the wall. Suddenly, the image of McCoy appeared in his head. He was wearing this blue Star Fleet shirt, always smiling at the patients with a tricorder on his hand. Then, another image of McCoy came up. He was staring into the air. Another image followed. He was looking at Kirk on the bed, smiling while gently caressing Kirk's face. Kirk also remembers the last smile McCoy had on his face before the Klingon dragged him aboard. Now, McCoy is in the sick bay, a patch on his eye, a respirator to rely his life on, his face all bloody. Kirk groaned like a wounded best, screwing his eyes shut. He couldn't stop crying for several minutes.

 

* * *

 

After the confrontation with the Klingon, Captain Kirk appeared to be indifferent to what happened as he carried his duty on, impeccably.

He reviewed and signed all the reports from each division and whenever a new issue arose, he solved it with wisdom and efficiency. He praised and punished those who deserve it and thanks to all that, USS Enterprise was, as usual, having a smooth journey.

But, no one knew that Kirk was suffering from nightmares every night and that he needed the help of liquor or drug to fall asleep. He never showed his weakness to people. It was his secret to survival. After a week, he became slightly hysteric which people found weird since Kirk is very indifferent and insensitive person. People have tentatively labeled Kirk as a psychopath due to his indifference. He may punish people but he doesn't get angry at them. He carries his duty on, perfectly ruling his emotion out. Kirk knew how people were thinking of him and he found it satisfactory because that means his pretense was working. Among all the people he's met, there were a few who could see through what Kirk was showing. And, one of that few people was still in the sick bay. Kirk heard the crews talking about McCoy recently having regained consciousness. He also heard them saying that McCoy was showing a sign of traumatic aphasia. The internal bleeding and some severe internal organ damage were almost cured, but his mental damage seemed to have remained still. Kirk missed McCoy so much. He wanted to apologize and embrace him, whispering how much he loves McCoy, for thousand times. But, he didn't. He couldn't.

After his light meal, he dropped by the sick bay briefly to check McCoy. McCoy was truly awake. However, he seemed a bit blank. His face was all blank and his eyes were staring into nothingness, with his shoulders drooped powerlessly. The nurses constantly talked to him from time to time, but he barely answered. Kirk bit his lower lip. It was all his fault. It was his fault that McCoy is so damaged.

Kirk had come back to his quarters and stared into the air.

He was sipping scotch to fall sleep. His heart had been broken since he first saw McCoy. The extreme emotions without any reason were driving Kirk mad and it was even threatening the long masquerade Kirk has been performing perfectly for a long time. It all started after the encounter with McCoy. His heart was about to explode and it was because of fury. There was this fury kindling inside his heart after he had seen McCoy. He was not angry at McCoy. But, he was angry.

He exhaled long, now glaring into the air. And then, with a determined face, he turned the communicator on to connect with the sick bay.

"Kirk to doctor M'Benga." Kirk spoke in a low voice.

-"Yes, captain."

"Bring doctor McCoy to my quarters in 10 minutes." Kirk ordered, nonchalantly.

Silence. M'Benga didn't respond.

"Doctor?"

-"Yes, captain."

"Didn't you hear what I just said?"

-"I did, captain. Please let me remind you that doctor McCoy has not recovered fully from the,"

"10 minutes. Kirk out."

Kirk inhaled deeply after he turned off the communicator. His heart was about to race out of fear, but Kirk stopped it forcibly.

 

15 minutes later, Kirk opened the door to greet the guest.

McCoy was there, standing with the help of a nurse, his body shaking like an old man. The patch on his eye was still there. He must have lost some weight. Kirk scanned the man from top to bottom and gestured him to come in. The nurse was throwing a look of contempt and another one of concern to McCoy. Kirk simply ignored the nurse and closed the door. McCoy entered the room, staggering. Kirk had no idea if McCoy was shaking out of fear or just because he was still sick. Kirk observed him from behind and walked slowly to stand in front of the still shaking doctor. McCoy was staring down the floor, trying not to meet Kirk's eyes. Kirk made the doctor see his face, by aggressively lifting McCoy's chin. McCoy sucked in a lungful of breath. McCoy lifted his stares to meet his captain's eyes. Kirk was observing the face in silence. He missed him so much. When he saw McCoy's eyes, all he wanted to do was just to embrace him tightly and confess his love to him. Confess how much he missed and loved him. And that he wants to be with him forever.

"Have you been on diet, captain? You've got thinner." McCoy joked, his voice powerless and obviously concerned.

Kirk merely stared at the doctor, remaining silent. McCoy didn't speak further, as well. Kirk observed the gaunt body a bit longer and then moved to the doctor's behind to take the patient gown off. When he unbuttoned a few, the gown that wrapped McCoy's body, fell lightly on the floor. Kirk saw all the wounds that were still raw on doctor's body. There was still bloody bandage on the left side of his abdomen. Since 70% of his rectum was damaged, M'Benga had to drill McCoy's abdomen for him to excrete via a tube. Kirk was informed that M'Benga had successfully restored 100% of McCoy's rectum, but it seems the hole in his abdomen was still healing. Kirk stood in front of the doctor, who was obviously terrified. Kirk gestured at him to hop on to the bed. McCoy looked at the bed once and then at Kirk, again. He was shaking even harder. He swallowed dryly and shook his head in silence, his mouth half parted.

"Captain..."

"To the bed." Kirk ordered tersely.

McCoy was still hesitating between the bed and Kirk. Nevertheless, he headed to the bed, his head down. Kirk couldn't take his eyes off McCoy. Something must be controlling him to behave in exactly the opposite way of what his heart wants.

No... Look at me.

"On your knees." Kirk ordered.

Even getting on the bed seemed difficult for McCoy. He barely crawled up to the bed. His arms, supporting his body, were shaking slightly and he was already panting as if he had been running. Kirk followed and knelt behind the doctor. He unzipped his body and pulled his pants down. McCoy fidgeted nervously and looked back at Kirk as he heard Kirk undressing. Kirk's face was like stone, not showing any hint of remorse or guilt. He pulled his cock out and jerked it several times. He couldn't get hard at all when McCoy was like a living corpse. However, this is all he could do. No, what he wanted to do was to embrace McCoy and ask if he was okay. He wanted to apologize and confess how much he missed and loved him. But this is what he decided to do. This always has been the only thing he could do. Kirk noticed that he couldn't control the way he moved, looked and talked. All he did was to line his cock up to McCoy's puckered hole.

"Jim, please..." McCoy begged, his voice trailing off weakly.

McCoy looked terrified. He had never been terrified with Kirk. Kirk ignored McCoy along with his internal scream and slowly shoved his cock inside McCoy's shaking body. McCoy's body jerked at the invasion and grabbed the headboard of the bed like it was the only way to reduce the pain. Kirk heard his internal scream somewhere from his heart. However, he looked so cruelly cold outside. Kirk realized that McCoy's anus had become even tighter than before because the regenerator had healed it perfectly. It was like that of a virgin. Kirk had to thrust harder to get inside. McCoy grunted weakly as his body jerked at the acute pain. Kirk slowly pushed in and soon he was fully sheathed. When he pulled back, he realized the movement was much smoother and soon, he realized again that all the freshly healed rectal wounds of McCoy were bleeding because Kirk just damaged it again. Kirk grabbed McCoy's waist to move faster. McCoy was not making any sound any longer and soon, he let go of his tight grip around the headboard. His body went limp as he fell forward. Kirk was shocked when McCoy fainted. He quickly withdrew to check McCoy. The doctor was crying through his closed eyes and lost consciousness. Kirk moved his shaking hand to McCoy's neck to feel the pulse. It was throbbing faintly. Kirk sighed out of relief and sat on the bed, silently observing McCoy. Gaunt and exhausted. Kirk carefully stretched his arm to slowly touch McCoy's cheek, with his fingertips. When he felt McCoy's flesh through his fingertips, suddenly there was this huge lump paralyzing his heart. He stood up quickly to get farther away from McCoy. Kirk checked the mirror to spruce up and contacted the sick bay, commanding them to bring the patient. And, he added to bring the stretcher.

When the nurses came back to bring the patient, they didn't forget to throw the looks of contempt and disgust to Kirk. The nursed carefully moved McCoy to the stretcher, whose body was like a rag doll. Kirk didn't take his eyes off McCoy until he was out. After McCoy was gone, Kirk sat on the bed for a while. After a few minutes, he slowly strolled around the quarters and stopped by the table. He silently stared at the scotch bottle and a glass. Within a second, he took it and threw it all to the floor. As if it was not enough, Kirk started to throw the chair and the table too. The chair flew across the room and destroyed the glass cabinet. The fury inside Kirk was not getting any better. He rummaged through the room to throw anything he could grab and within 5 minutes, the quarters turned into a war-wrecked place. When there was nothing else to throw, Kirk had to stop and calm himself down. He tried to slow his breath and heartbeat as he walked toward the bathroom. He grabbed the sink tightly until his knuckles turned white and slowly looked into the mirror. He saw his face, his shoulder heaving impatiently and anger so apparently etched on his face. The long wound Klingon left on his face was still raw. The Klingon must have applied some drug on the dagger because the wound was not getting any lighter for more than a week. The wound remained from his chin to his temple. Kirk checked the wound and the wound reminded him of the event that time. He glared his reflection on the mirror. And then, he punched the glass so strong that it shattered into thousand pieces.

 

* * *

 

It didn't take that long for McCoy to resume to his duty.

Well, thanks to Kirk, it took a bit longer to be healed totally, but the medical technology of Star Fleet was very advanced that it healed McCoy as quickly as they could. McCoy had a strong mind that could overcome most of the ordeals and now people are impressed and also surprised at how quickly McCoy came back to his duty. Since people have known McCoy as tactless, almost crass at tactics or strategy, who has achieved this far just by his medical competency, people were concerned that McCoy would go crazy. They knew that they wouldn't be surprised if McCoy broke down and crumble to the underground and never come back to his normal state. Despite all the assumptions and concerns of people around him, McCoy is now carrying his duty on as a CMO. Nevertheless, he still has physical trauma and aftereffect. He silently sneaks into his office, so he could groan and shudder in pain alone. When he's done, then he came out of the office as if nothing happened. No wonder he is still suffering. He lost teeth, nails, damaged spleen, liver and pancreas while most of his rectum was damaged and because of that, he had to perforate his abdomen install a hose so he could excrete. McCoy tends to be surprised more than usual whenever people approach him, but people understand him generously. That was nothing compared to what he had been through. According to the nurses, the CMO hardly fell asleep and even though he did, he woke up after a couple of an hour, obviously thrashing from a nightmare. People knew that McCoy was trying to make it look as normal as he could. People couldn't stop but again, find McCoy impressive.

Captain Kirk, on the other hand, reigned the USS Enterprise in terror more than usual.

Kirk was usually insusceptible to emotional matters, usually punishing people who deserve it and fomenting terror only when needed. Some people formed a theory that Kirk could be half Vulcan because of his rationality and unbiased logic. However, these days, his hysteria has been prevailing all over the Enterprise. Once, he stabbed an officer's hand just because he didn't say hi to Kirk and worse yet, he locked another security officer in the agony booth for a day, because the officer was walking behind him while his phaser was dialed to 'kill'. Since it was so obvious that he had been following McCoy like a dog, people assumed that all this hysteria must be caused by the trouble between Kirk's relationship with McCoy's. Well, that is true. Kirk was even more furious at the fact that people knew why Kirk was behaving so, thus whenever people behave in a way Kirk finds unpleasant, he didn't hesitate to punish them at his whim.

Kirk hardly fell asleep unless he drinks. He never drinks on duty, but recently he's been breaking some of the rules to which he had been strictly sticking. And, if he continues to be like this, he knew that his career would be at risk. He could lose everything he has achieved so far. He is struggling tenaciously but it could only save him so far. He could go down to the abyss. People say that the time can heal everything but it is not applicable this time. Kirk started to lose control and also felt that his decision making is getting worse. If he doesn't find a solution as quickly as possible, the future is obvious. Doom. Kirk should solve his problem quickly.

 

Without any surprise, Kirk couldn't fall asleep.

He did his best to fall asleep without a help of alcohol, but it seems impossible. His body was fatigued, his mental needed rest so much, but he just couldn't fall asleep. He felt like his eyeballs were burning and his mouth so parched like a desert. It's like he is half awake and half asleep, all the time. He took a pill from time to time, but depending on a pill is the worst scenario. Besides, his pills are running out. He could ask for a pill from sickbay, but he never takes anything from anyone. Also, he doesn't want to go to the sick bay.

He felt extremely sleepy. But, he couldn't sleep. He sat up on the bed to breathe slowly, trying to calm his anger. He tried running like crazy, drank some warm tea, listened to classic and even meditated, but none of these worked. To Kirk, sleep was like a left guest that never came back. When he feels so sleepy and yet he can't sleep, the anger starts to pile up inside him faster than the flame burning down a house. He threw a bottle of liquor to the wall, hysterically and then started to rub his eyes. The sleepiness is unbearable. But, he just couldn't sleep. At all. He shot up from the bed to walk around the room. Kirk has one thing; one person he doubts to be the reason of this excruciating insomnia. Probably, the reason of all his pain.

It was McCoy.

McCoy caused all this.

Kirk's jaw clenched, as he thought of McCoy. What could possibly have McCoy done to him? Had he hyposprayed Kirk with this unknown alien matters? Was it the liquor he provided? Food? Air?

Maybe, only one person could answer all this doubt.

Kirk's fists started to shake.

It's all because of McCoy.

Kirk chanted. If he hadn't met McCoy. If he hadn't talked to McCoy. If he hadn't liked him. If McCoy hadn't followed Kirk that time and instead join the other team... The vessel that contains Kirk's anger is overflowing. Kirk's nails started to dig into his palms. He walked towards the comm to contact the sick bay.

"Captain to sickbay."

-"Yes, captain."

"Tell doctor McCoy to report to my quarters in 5 minutes."

-"Captain, he's off duty for now. May I help,"

"He is on duty now. 5 minutes."

Kirk hung up the comm. It takes about 7 minutes from sickbay to his quarters. But, from McCoy's quarters is just 5 minutes. Kirk sat on the sofa, glaring into the air. What should he ask? If all of this pain and distress is caused by McCoy, how should Kirk punish him? He couldn't stop his anger. He felt that 5 minutes is too long, so he decided to visit McCoy instead. He opened the door to get out but then there is McCoy. Kirk, while almost hyperventilating out of anger, seemed a bit surprised at McCoy when their eyes met.

"Uh... As you requested." McCoy forestalled, trying to shrug off this awkward situation.

There were thousands of emotions storming inside Kirk. Kirk wanted to punch McCoy and then squeeze him. He wanted to kick the doctor while ranting at him and then embrace him while he cries like a child. He wanted to push him to the wall and kiss him like crazy and bite that unbearably tempting lips until it bleeds. He wanted to push him off the cliff and desperately run to the bottom to catch McCoy to save him. He wanted to curse and yell at him that he'd never want to see him again and then cling onto his legs, confessing that he could hardly breathe without his presence.

However, the hallway was still crowded, so he had to come up with the most rational decision. He grabbed McCoy's wrist to bring him inside. The door closed behind them. McCoy came in without any resistance. Kirk turned his back on the doctor to calm himself. While patiently waiting, McCoy scanned the room thoroughly and found the shattered glass and bottles of liquor on the floor. Kirk didn't look fine either. Well, honestly, he rather looked very dangerous.

"Do you require any... Medical assistance, captain?" McCoy suggested gingerly.

"Shut up. Shut the fuck up." Kirk murmured, his body shaking.

McCoy swallowed. Kirk looked so dangerous as if he was staggering at the edge of the cliff. McCoy approached carefully and attempted to place his hand on Kirk's shoulder but gave up. Kirk was plucking his hair while panting like a beast. Somebody could doubt that Kirk was about to turn into a monster.

"Jim, you need some medical,"

"I said, shut the fuck up!" Kirk screamed and turned around to throw a punch to McCoy's face.

McCoy recoiled, seeing stars at the punch. Kirk grabbed McCoy's neck to throw him on the floor. Kirk began to kick McCoy, but strangely it was Kirk who was screaming like he was one to be kicked. McCoy couldn't sit straight, constantly coughing at the dangerous kicks. Kirk grabbed McCoy's hair to lift him before McCoy could breathe.

"You," Kirk panted, his pupils dilated. "You should have left me alone." Kirk wept.

His left eye was shedding tears. He aggressively wiped the tear off his face and then threw McCoy to the bed. As if he was hallucinated, he crawled above the bed to tear CMO's uniform. The uniform was to touch that Kirk couldn't tear it properly, so he brought the dagger beneath his pillow to slice it all. While slicing it haphazardly, McCoy's skin was damaged too and started to bleed, but Kirk didn't have any space in his mind to worry about it. Kirk kicked McCoy's leg to spread it so he could sit between. Kirk pressed McCoy's shoulder and glared at McCoy's already bloody face. Without hesitation, Kirk shoved his cock into McCoy's, but it didn't work properly. He removed the pillow McCoy's head was resting and then placed it under McCoy's waist. He lined himself again to McCoy's hole and sheathed himself fully into the doctor's body at one push. McCoy groaned, but Kirk didn't care at all, as he began to mar the dry hole once again.

"What have you done to me?" Kirk threatened in a low voice.

He was getting strangely hard. He was not himself, unable to tell if what he feels right now is either pain or pleasure, but he just frantically fucked McCoy with instinct.

"What have you done to me?" Kirk screamed at McCoy's face.

At the moment, Kirk doubted what he just heard. McCoy was laughing, his bloody face grinning. The vibration was delivered through Kirk's body also. Kirk studied McCoy's face, obviously shocked.

"Nothing. I have done nothing." McCoy spoke, his voice breaking at Kirk's movement.

McCoy looked at Kirk, with one eye closed due to blood.

"But, it was meant to be. Now, I think of it, you were meant to be like this. We were meant to be like this." McCoy continued, glaring at Kirk.

It was an unexpected answer. No one could have expected this. Kirk just stared at McCoy, with his mouth gaped open.

"It's... It's your fault." Kirk murmured unconsciously.

"Yes, maybe this is all my fault. My mistake. And, I regret it." McCoy went on, not stopping.

Kirk started to panic once again, when he heard McCoy saying 'I regret it'. Suddenly, Kirk couldn't understand anything McCoy was saying, as if his brain must have gone crazy.

"Yes... It's your fault. It's all your fault." Kirk constantly murmured, his voice shaking.

McCoy was just there on the bed, slowly pacing his breath and Kirk felt that he was going crazy slowly. His body, then, began to move out of his control. When his consciousness was somehow back, he realized he was strangling McCoy. The power in fingers was unbelievably strong and it was not Kirk's power. McCoy's eyes widened at the shock, looking at Kirk desperately. Kirk didn't understand what was going on. He was strangling McCoy, but he swore it was not him.

"It's your fault. I shouldn't have even known you. It's all your fault!" Kirk's mouth moved out of control.

McCoy lifted his hands to stop Kirk, but Kirk's strength was almost inhuman.

"No. No!" Kirk screamed.

It was McCoy who was dying, but Kirk felt this intolerable agony and he started to scream until his throat bled. There was this creepy sound from McCoy. His eyes turned red and he could die in any second.

_No._

_Stop it._

_You are killing him._

_Don't._

_Stop it!_

_I... I..._

Kirk scolded himself. But his fingers remained still. Suddenly, McCoy's hand that was lifted to stop Kirk, touched Kirk's cheek gently. Kirk must have really gone crazy. If not, he shouldn't see McCoy smiling at him. McCoy caressed Kirk's face, barely smiling while trying to say something desperately. The voice was shut off by Kirk's fingers, so there was no sound. McCoy just mouthed the words and Kirk couldn't understand the entire sentence.

I... ...with you... ..sorry... ..tell you... my sun...

McCoy's lips moved diligently. Kirk couldn't understand. And, when McCoy's arms fell powerlessly, all of the anger inside Kirk was disappeared all so surprisingly suddenly. His rationality that had been gone due to long insomnia came back also. And, when his rationality came back, he knew that McCoy was dead. Kirk's shaking fingers slowly let go of McCoy. When he did, McCoy's head silently fell to his side. Tears fell from McCoy's half closed eyes. There was no light in the blood-shot eyes. Kirk observed McCoy, his eyes widened at the shock. His eyes began to spill tears. His lips and chin started to tremble. Kirk slowly lifted his hand to touch McCoy's face.

"Bones?" Kirk called him carefully.

McCoy didn't answer. Couldn't answer. Kirk felt that his hand began to tremble madly. His eyes were spilling tears incessantly and he had difficulty breathing because his heart was throbbing too much.

"Bones. Please answer me." Kirk wept. "Bones, please... I'm... I'm sorry." Kirk begged, caressing McCoy's face desperately.

McCoy is dead. Kirk killed him. When Kirk realized the fact, he felt so painful that his body was being grounded. His body went limp as he laid on McCoy's cold body. He embraced McCoy's body and began to weep, burying his face into the doctor's neck. His weeping was getting louder. He laid beside McCoy to squeeze him tighter, in a futile hope of waking him up. McCoy's body was not reacting, entirely limp like a wet cotton doll. Kirk wailed like a wounded beast.

"Bones. No, please..." Kirk gazed at McCoy's face again. The half closed eyes were staring into nothingness. "I have to tell you something... Answer me. Please..." Kirk's face convulsed in agony. "I have to tell you... I love you. I love you, Bones. I said I love you. I need you to know that. Bones... I love you. I love you......" Kirk finally confessed.

The word he has always wanted to say. The word he wanted to say from the beginning. The word that he can no longer say.

_I love you._

_I love you, Bones._

_I love you, please come back._

_I love you._

_I love you..._

Kirk wailed and whispered to McCoy, tightly embracing the cold body. He can say the word 100, no, 1000 times. He now feels courageous enough to confess. He now believes that he can be happy, also.

 

But, it is too late already.

 

The end.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some of you, I'm preparing my next fic and it is a very similar story line with this one because it is alternate universe of this fic's universe but with different ending. Most probably, happier ending :D there will be some revelation of this fic which will eventually explain why Kirk was drawn to McCoy from the first place and why McCoy couldn't love Kirk but just pity him. Or, maybe some of you have already noticed it? >:D (Hint: check Kirk's full name on the tag)
> 
> The concept of Kirk in this fic is a very unstable, immature and violent 'boy' who cannot express his true feelings and is suffering between the extreme emotions.  
> For my next fic, Kirk will be more like psychopath who enjoys the extreme emotions and who has no difficulty expressing whatever he feels. I don't know when I'll be posting the next fic (I have draft though) but just a bit of spoiler alert :D
> 
> Thanks anyway for reading this long fic!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!!
> 
> Each chapter's title is song lyrics of Silent Hill. 'I want love' fits so perfectly with the fic coincidentally!  
> Especially, the 'Doctor, give me what I need' part from the song astounded me. Apparently, this song was meant to be the theme song of this chapter ;D
> 
> Below is the song list while I was working on this fic;  
> 1\. Erik Satie - Gymnopdie No1  
> 2\. Sufjan Stevens - Futile Devices  
> 3\. Ravel Miroirs III Une Barque sur L'Oceans  
> 4\. Persona 4 OST - Reverie  
> 5\. Nujabes - Aruarian Dance  
> 6\. Silent Hill - I want love


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